#other than 'For Science!' (to me; a bad guy not willing to reveal their motive is a little freaky tbh; but in a way that works). maybe the

[deadbonessinderhellaton]

At the same time, the new live action was kind of bad. 

[jasonbehrs]

i wanna read every word, chapter 2

by airauralintensity (aka me, jasonbehrs!)

“Have you ever fallen in love with someone you’ve never met?” “Uh, do you mean like we’ve-been-doing-long-distance-slash-online-dating or like I’ve-been-crushing-on-the-cute-barista-at-the-library-cafe?” “Ummm, more like I’ve-read-their-poems-and-sure-they’re-very-talented-but-their-handwriting-alone-makes-me-smile.” “… That’s oddly specific.”

fandom: kpop, super junior characters: eunhyuk, ryeowook; guest appearances by the rest of sj-m and yesung ship: eunwook genre: romantic comedy themes: alternate endings, strangers to lovers, handwriting, identity reveal setting: college chapter: 2/4 word count: 5.2k

read it below or on ffnet, aff, wattpad

A/N (6.6.2021): Welcome to the next installment folks! Some clarifying things:

- This is the first of two alternate endings to the story, which answers the question, 'What if Ryeowook finds out first?'

- I got some interesting reviews/PMs about the last chapter? Eunhyuk isn't pining after Yesung or anything, and I didn't mean to indicate that would be an aspect of the story. If you were looking forward to it, I'll be disappointing you today haha. Feel free to let me know how much you hate me in a review ;)

Also, today would have been my grandmother's 102nd birthday, so I'm dedicating this chapter to her since she always loved seeing me write. Love you, Nanay!

~~~

He and Hyukjae haven't hung out alone before, but he's sure this won't be awkward. Their only real link may have just been Yesung, but Hyukjae successfully ingrained himself into their entire friend group in the short weeks since they first met. Besides, even if Hyukjae weren't so willing to help him with his twisted scavenger hunt for love, Ryeowook thinks he'd like to hang out with him some time anyway. He's grown to like Hyukjae, really.

At least, that's what he tells himself when he turns the corner and sees Hyukjae sitting alone on a bench in the quad with his legs crossed, a laptop over one knee and an open notebook on the other, waiting for him to arrive.

Ryeowook takes a breath to steel his nerves then heads over to plop himself right next to the other. He doesn't say anything and takes out his own work instead. They don't have to start with the crush thing.

"Ah, my favourite person under 5'2". How do you do?" Hyukjae snarks without pausing his typing.

In response, Ryeowook uses a single finger to tip Hyukjae's notebook onto the ground without remorse.

"Ya!" Hyukjae picks up his notebook and slaps Ryeowook with it.

On the downswing, Ryeowook freezes.

"Oh shit, did I hit you that hard? Sorry, I didn't mean to," Hyukjae hurriedly apologises, but that's not it at all.

Ryeowook had caught a glimpse of the notes hurriedly scrawled across the open book. He would recognise that handwriting anywhere.

"Why don't we get started then," Hyukjae offers uneasily, eyeing how Ryeowook's stance hadn't relaxed yet. "Um, did you bring a copy of one of the notes like we discussed?"

Of course he did. Ryeowook was so excited to be one step closer to identifying the person behind the song lyrics that took up as much space in his brain as his Food Sciences lecture notes, he had brought the whole ass scrapbook with him, eager to show off his favourites to a new and willing audience.

But now, Ryeowook is panicking. He found the object of his affections much sooner than for which he was ready; and said object is sitting right next to him, staring at him expectantly and eager to help.

Not letting himself think it through, Ryeowook rummages through his bag looking for viable scraps of paper. There is no way he is going to hand Hyukjae's own work to him, so he makes do with what he's got.

He bypasses the lyric samples he actually prepared for today's meeting and found ones of his own making which he had intended to recycle weeks ago but never got around to. He silently thanks himself for this terrible habit as he frantically smooths out the small squares of paper before handing them to Hyukjae.

The other raises his eyebrows as he reads through the papers. "Damn, I was hoping that maybe one of these things had even a little similarity to an assignment we've heard so far, but no dice."

Ryeowook nods, affecting understanding disappointment even as he privately rejoices.

"Do you mind if I keep these? I can, like, surreptitiously check people's notebooks during group assignments," he offers with a laugh. "Pearl blue sticky notes can't be that common in a class of 50, right?''

Ryeowook smiles, wide and fake. "Fingers crossed!"

~Even though we're making awkward conversation, it's clear that we're happy to be together.~

Thus proceeds their search for Poem Person. (The gender-neutral nickname Mi had come up with stuck even after Hyukjae revealed those were not actually poems being left behind. Alliterative nicknames are just so catchy.)

"Okay, what if we tie a balloon to your chair and hope Poem Person likes balloons enough to take it with them around campus?" "No way, they won't take it." "How could you possibly be so sure?"

Sometimes, it's Hyukjae coming up with ridiculous plots.

"Trust me. They curl their lowercase L's." "I'm gonna let this go, but I want you to know that makes zero sense."

Plots which Ryeowook foils with equally ridiculous reasoning.

"''We might have never known each other, but we crossed faraway paths and came together. We crossed the distance of a stranger that's farther away than space.' Huh, not bad." "You think so?"

Sometimes, it's Hyukjae asking to read more of the scraps that Ryeowook collects, partially so Hyukjae can make fun of him, but mostly so that he has more clues.

"Yeah. I mean, it doesn't help me at all, but your man's got a way with words. I wonder why he doesn't submit any of the stuff you've shown me for class. It's worth critiquing."

An ask which forces Ryeowook to wrack his brain for passable imitations of song-lyrics-that-could-be-mistakenly-construed-as-poems and to get used to writing with his nondominant hand.

"Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass." "Really? You're passing on Park Hyungsik?"

Today, neither of them are feeling very motivated, so Hyukjae pulls up the Facebook profiles of his classmates and let Ryeowook play smash or pass because "it's fun to hear strangers' opinions on people you know."

"Oh, absolutely. Does that guy look like he cares where he dots his i's and j's? Hard pass," Ryeowook maintains.

Hyukjae shakes his head in amazement as he pulls back his phone. "You'll meet him one day, and you'll regret this moment; mark my words. Hyungsik is universally loved. Honestly, I'm not convinced yet Poem Person isn't him. He fits basically all of your criteria."

Ryeowook has to actively smother a knowing smirk. "What a shame."

He didn't come clean to Hyukjae in the quad that day because he panicked. Ryeowook was not mentally ready to meet the object of his affections so soon, much more confess, so he acted on impulse to buy himself some time.

Once he had it, he got curious.

It's no secret that Ryeowook had built up an idea of what Poem Person is like. The lyrics provided some insight, of course; but most of his intuition came from the handwriting itself. From what he could see, Poem Person was supposed to be intensely passionate, excitingly impulsive, and almost sickeningly romantic.

"Okay, how about this guy?" Hyukjae asks as he passes his phone over again.

Ryeowook takes one look at the screen and snorts. "Very funny. Pass."

The app is opened to a photo of Hyukjae himself posed unnaturally on a couch wearing a forward-facing snapback perched atop his head and an awkward half-smile, and Ryeowook refuses to look at it any longer before he does something he'll regret, like coo affectionately.

"Pass!?" Hyukjae repeats with mock-incredulity. "Don't you think he looks charming and witty and oh-so-loveable?"

Ryeowook indeed had a lot of thoughts about what Poem Person would look like, and 'charming,' 'witty,' and 'oh-so-loveable' have indeed flitted through his mind. Actually, Ryeowook finds that Hyukjae and Poem Person aren't altogether dissimilar.

Hyukjae is passionate about his craft, to be sure, but it doesn't occupy every one of his waking moments like Ryeowook expected. He is as much of a romantic as the next person is, but really Hyukjae is poetic, a distinction Ryeowook learns and appreciates very early on. Hyukjae is a little too thoughtful to be so impulsive, but his quick wit and ability to do/say/become whatever a situation calls for more than fulfill the quota for chaos that underlay Ryeowook's original supposition.

So yes, Ryeowook is withholding the truth so that he can slot the person he made up in his head into the person Hyukjae is, but it's been worth it.

"He looks like a brat and like his feet smell." "YAH! My shoes don't breathe!" "Get better shoes, then." "Give me the money, then." "Get a job, then." "That's not fair! Helping you find Poem Person is basically my part-time job!" "Consider it more of an unpaid internship."

Before Hyukjae takes his turn to volley back, his phone rings in his hand.

"Ah, as much fun as this was, I gotta go. I have a mini-showcase coming up, and I've been slacking on rehearsals." He shakes his phone towards Ryeowook, and the latter could see an alarm screen that reads "get your dumb ass to the gulliver center!"

Ryeowook's heart beats a noticeable thump thump all of a sudden. "Can I come with?"

"S-sure," Hyukjae says, shocked by the offer. "But why?"

That's a great question. For now, he says, "Because your internship is getting in the way of your studies, and I feel bad," but later, he'll know it's because he didn't want his time with Hyukjae to end so soon.

A grateful grin spreads across Hyukjae's face, and Ryeowook will add that onto his list of reasons later as well. "An audience is always welcome."

In no time, Hyukjae is in a practise room in the athletic center stretching his limbs every which way while Ryeowook watches as intently as possible while feigning interest in literally anything else in the room.

The bass-heavy noise music that Hyukjae puts on startles his attention back onto the dancer, and Ryeowook can no longer hide how blatantly he stares.

Hyukjae moves through the choreography so fluidly it almost looks lazy. He goes from jagged angles and harsh lines to sinewy curves and rolling waves to strong stomps and high jumps with no hesitation. He plays with the rhythm of the music, and he makes full use of the space available to him. Ryeowook is barely processing one impressive move when Hyukjae executes another one; and before he knows it, the performance is over.

"So," Hyukjae pants, "what'd ya think?"

"It's…" Jaw-dropping. Powerful. Hot. "… impressive," Ryeowook says at last.

Hyukjae smiles tightly. "Thanks. It actually needs a bit of work for the showcase, but I don't think the routine is all too shabby."

Ryeowook watches as Hyukjae watches himself through the mirror, redoing parts of the choreography over and over again at different tempos just to fine-tune his movements, and he can't help but feel like Hyukjae needed more from him.

"Um, I wonder if maybe it's lacking emotion?"

All movement halts. "What?"

Ryeowook didn't mean to say that; but now that it's out, he finds himself needing to continue. "You move well, um, obviously," he gestures awkwardly to Hyukjae's person, fighting a blush. "It looks physically difficult, sure, but what is it that you're trying to say? Like, I'm guessing you chose that song, too, right? So, why?"

Hyukjae stands in the middle of the room, arms limp by his side, and staring at Ryeowook with an unnervingly blank look on his face. Ryeowook hastily backpedals, "But hey, what do I know? I'm sure your professors will watch you and see all the nuances I can't with my untrained peon eyes. I was just… talking to talk, I guess."

"No, but I think you have a point," Hyukjae interjects.

Ryeowook perks up. "I do?"

"Yeah, like… I was so focused on trying to show what I can do with something only I could do, but that means basically nothing when any one of my classmates could learn my routine with only a week of practise. The only way I would be able to stand out is from whatever I put into it, but you made me realise I didn't put anything into it." He plops on the floor, eyebrows furrowed in consternation.

Ryeowook shakes his head adamantly. "No, no! There's clearly something there! You just need to, like, bring it out more. You have that whole idea—that this is something only you can do. You can take that, morph your routine into a testament to your need to prove yourself. Start with some trepidation, throw some desperation in the middle, and end with triumph. Honestly, I think I saw a little bit of that in your performance already. Maybe it was an accident, but now, just… do it on purpose."

"'Do it on purpose,'" Hyukjae repeats to himself. His head is down, so Ryeowook can't immediately tell what he thinks of the idea. He's ready to apologise again, even offer to go home so that Hyukjae can concentrate better, but then Hyukjae raises his head. "Alright, let me give that a try."

His eyes are filled with will and determination. Ryeowook, of all people, put those there.

He sits back and watches Hyukjae rehearse his routine over and over again, getting better and more evocative each time.

The Hyukjae before him is not a Hyukjae Ryeowook would have been able to guess based on his handwriting and lyrics alone.

Ryeowook knows basically nothing about dancing; but over the past few weeks, he's really come to know Hyukjae. He's noticed how the other is prone to express himself through movement, like when he accentuates his stories with body language and physical reenactments. It belies a comfort and confidence with his body and what it can do with which Ryeowook could never empathise. It's a subtle thing, but impactful nevertheless.

He smothers it down because he doesn't want to give Hyukjae the wrong idea, but he wants to laugh.

Only he could fall for a dancer's words first before anything else, and only he could fall for the same person twice.

~Where should I start? When should I say it? Darling, our seconds, our minutes together were beautiful.~

"Ryeowook, why haven't you asked to see my handwriting yet?"

"What?"

They had commandeered a study room in the library, but honestly neither of them are making a lot of headway in their respective assignments. Ryeowook didn't want anything to do with Organic Chemistry, but this conversation is making him reconsider his previous stance.

"Isn't that what you're into? Trying to infer people's personalities based on their handwriting?"

"I'm not into it. It just happened."

"Okay, sure, but aren't you, like, good at it now? Read mine! Tell me what it says about me."

Ryeowook, desperate to squash this idea immediately, blurts out. "It… It won't work!"

"Why not?" Hyukjae pouts.

Ryeowook scrambles. "Because I know you already. Yeah. I'll see and interpret things in a way that confirms what I already know."

Hyukjae eyebrows furrow in what Ryeowook can presume is consternation. "Sorry," he offers feebly.

Some more time passes, and Ryeowook makes mild progress on his O-Chem work, before Hyukjae speaks up again. "So if you can't do me, can you do my friend?" he asks with an excited tone that makes Ryeowook wary.

"I do not want to do your friend." You, however…

"NO! I mean: can you interpret my friend's handwriting? Here. He left it at my place last time we studied together."

Hyukjae's smirk radiates smug self-satisfaction, and with one look at the paper, Ryeowook understands why. He actively controls every muscle in his body to prevent the facepalm that's threatening to break loose.

He has to give Hyukjae props, though. If Ryeowook weren't already so intimately acquainted with the handwriting on the page before him, the other's ploy could have worked.

Regardless, he still finds himself in the position he was trying to avoid in the first place.

All the best lies are based in truth, right? "So I can tell your friend has a very high-stress major. The handwriting is cramped and small, like he can't waste a single stroke or else he'll miss something he needs to write down. Ah, see how he doesn't fully cross his t's and dot his i's? He thinks he'll be able to read his own handwriting later. He probably has decent memory or just has a lot of faith in himself."

Hyukjae nods with an impressed frown. "Huh, not bad."

It would be so, so easy to stop there, but Ryeowook can't. He loves Hyukjae's handwriting too much. "And look here," he points excitedly to a cross-out near the center of the page. "He could cross out his mistakes with a single line or a little squiggle, but he completely blocks it out instead. It suggests he has more confidence with the obvious; but really, I think he needs the reminder. Like, 'Yeah, I made a mistake. I'll move on, but I won't let myself forget. That way I don't do it again.'"

A moment later, Ryeowook realises with a jolt that he had been holding and smiling at the scrap paper a little too tenderly. He whips his head up in embarrassment, an explanation-slash-apology at the tip of his tongue, but Hyukjae doesn't seem to notice.

In fact, Hyukjae has been silent the whole time. Ryeowook chuckles awkwardly. "Am I right?"

"Huh?" Hyukjae intones as he's brought out of his reverie. Ryeowook thinks he sees something in his eyes when their gazes meet, but Hyukjae blinks and it's gone. "I'm sorry, what did you ask me?"

"I was wondering if I was right. About your 'friend,'" Ryeowook reminds, air quotes clear in his tone.

Hyukjae shuffles uncomfortably in his seat. "I think you're more right than even he's ready to admit," he says with a hand at the back of his neck and a sardonic quirk of his lips.

The sight causes an unexplainable swell of affection within Ryeowook, and he turns away. "He can take his time," he assures, eyes trained on his textbook even though he can't read a damn thing.

Hyukjae nods his thanks and turns back to his homework, but Ryeowook doesn't feel right letting it end here.

"Hey, wanna give my handwriting a try?"

~You always lift your head to look up at me. I want to take my big hands and cup your small cheeks.~

Next time they're meant to hang out, it's the weekend; and Hyukjae texts him to meet him at Bomnal.

"Both of us were here just two days ago, and we have to be here again in two days. Don't we spend enough time in Bomnal as it is?" Ryeowook complains as soon as he enters the atrium of the academic building.

"Think of it like a field trip. Come on, Wook," Hyukjae says as he leads them to the second floor lecture hall.

"Pretty sure field trips are meant to take us out of the classroom, but sure, whatever," Ryeowook grumbles as he follows along.

He's testy. He knows it, but he can't help it.

This is the first time both of them will be in Bomnal 235 at once. It feels like a turning point, like he's going to learn something today whether he wants to or not. He wonders if Hyukjae feels the same sense of impending that he does, or maybe it's just worse for him because he's in love.

As soon as they open the doors, the automatic lights flick on and douse the room with a very awake yellow.

"So… where do you normally sit?" Hyukjae asks as he motions to the empty seats before them.

Ryeowook freezes. Now that it's upon him, he can definitively identify this as the thing he was anxious about.

What if he tells the truth, Hyukjae realises Poem Person is him, and he feels awkward about it? Their comfortable but still-very-new friendship would evaporate on the spot, and Ryeowook won't have him in any capacity, much more a romantic one.

So, in another impeccable display of judgement, he decides to lie again.

"Oh, you know… I change it up," he mildly comments as he moves to somewhere near the middle of the first row. He sits down and gives an unassuming grin to his friend, who makes a face. "You're one of those people? Haven't you heard of the same seats code of conduct? You fed me some crap about curling L's when really it's your fault the balloon trick wouldn't have worked," Hyukjae jokes in that way where he's completely serious but is phrasing it with humour.

Ryeowook feels a genuine, fond grin spread across his face before he can help it, and he quickly ducks his head. "Why are we here, again?" he asks instead of dwelling on the validating comfort of being known.

"Why not?" Hyukjae asks as he moves to sit down. "This is the place it all began, right? Might as well."

Ryeowook, for his part, only stares.

Hyukjae went up to a seat in the rear right quadrant of the lecture hall. Ryeowok's own, real seat is directly in front of where the other is sitting. That can't be a coincidence.

"Um, I'm guessing that's where you sit?" he asks as casually as possible.

"Huh? Oh! Haha, yeah. It's funny, I didn't even think of sitting anywhere else. My feet just automatically guided me here."

"So funny," Ryeowook squeaks out.

"Yeah, my friend in the class actually used to sit with me, but it became very apparent very quickly that we would never get anything done if we did, so he moved down there." Hyukjae points with his foot to Ryeowook's seat, and Ryeowook's breath hitches in his throat. "Sometimes when I'm bored, I just can't help but throw stuff onto his desk just to annoy him." Hyukjae mimes a free throw shot towards the desk and smiles.

Well, if there were any doubt before in Ryeowook's mind that Hyukjae was Poem Person, it has summarily been erased.

Ryeowook hums but says nothing else, letting a companionable silence stretch between them as he acknowledges the warmth that settles into his chest when he confirms with himself that yes, he is glad that Hyukjae is Poem Person.

"Why are you helping me?" he asks, curious and without judgement. The abrupt question startles the other out of whatever reverie he had settled into during their respite, but Hyukjae bounces back quickly, as he always does.

"You know, I had to figure that answer out myself," Hyukjae answers with a laugh. He leans back in his chair with his hands folded behind his head, staring out at the empty lecture hall. "I told you I would at first because it was obvious that I was the only one in a position to actually help. It wasn't even an option in my mind that I wouldn't… But even after my sense of obligation ran out, I wanted to keep going.

"You're cool, Ryeowook. You're fun to be around, you're sassy, you're down to try anything once. You're totally comfortable being yourself, and your 'self' is crazy. Like, who else trusts in their gut enough that this person you're chasing after is worth the effort? Who else would go to the lengths to which you're willing to go just to meet him? Honestly, I think that's pretty awesome. I don't know if I could have that same confidence you do."

He tilts his head towards Ryeowook then and gives a close-lipped, self-convinced smile. "If anyone's gonna find love based on a few scraps of paper and a dream, it's gonna be you."

Ryeowook nods mutely. He hopes the distance between them is enough to disguise the blush on his cheeks.

Hyukjae faces forward again. "If I think about it, I guess I'm being selfish, too. I want to believe a love like that is possible; and if I help you find him, I'll get to see it happen for myself… I really hope this guy is worth it, Ryeowook. I think it would break my heart as much as yours if he weren't."

He is, though. He's so worth it. "Me too."

~Longing is a beautiful pain I thought I could endure.~

Ryeowook walks out of the campus mail room, and life couldn't get better.

He just picked up a care package his mom sent him; he got a 94 on his last Nutrition Essentials quiz; and Hyukjae loves the new low-fat, protein-enhanced strawberry scones recipe he tried out yesterday.

Speaking of whom, he thinks this whole Poem Person plot is going to wrap up soon. The last time they must have actually worked on a strategy to find out who Poem Person was, like, two weeks ago at least; and Ryeowook's glad he can stop pretending he has any interest anymore.

Their friendship has wholly evolved beyond the point of needing a project to work on in order to spend time with each other anyway. Why pine after a fictitious man when he has a whole Hyukjae right there, who buys him coffee lattes simply because he's Hyukjae's dongsaeng and who helps him study for his quizzes even when Hyukjae himself is stressed.

Ryeowook tells himself that with some more time, the whole mystery will just fade into an inside joke between the two of them, a white whale they can reminisce about when they're sipping soju and reminiscing… preferably cuddled on a couch and with his head on Hyukaje's shoulder.

However, his friend group did not get the memo.

"So, uh. What happened to Poem Person?" Henry asks one weekend while everyone is at Ryeo-Mi's apartment.

"Shut up!" Kyuhyun admonishes with a slap to the back of Henry's head. "Ryeowook hasn't annoyed us with that in weeks. Aren't you grateful?!"

"I actually am very curious about what happened there. Weren't you and Hyukjae supposed to find him together?" Yesung asks.

"The gen—" "Maybe I'm manifesting, Mi! Ever think of that?"

Ryeowook cuts in before Mi's feelings get even more hurt. "Yeah, we were, but honestly I've kinda given up on the whole thing."

He expects some shock, but he couldn't have predicted who would be the most affected. "You're just gonna give up on finding love!?" Mi despairs.

"Actually, the potential for a romantic relationship was never confirmed," Henry quips. Yesung gives Henry a high-five.

"It was just a little crush," Ryeowook defends. "I've moved past it, as I was bound to do eventually." He says this last part to Kyuhyun, who he knows was the most annoyed with his actions back then.

"'Eventually' doesn't end in time for finals week, Wook," Kyuhyun retorts.

"Well, now you never have to worry about it, Hyun."

"Is love dead?" Mi desponds aloud, but no one pays him any mind.

Ryeowook pats his roommate's shoulders in a half-hearted attempt at consolation. If Mi turns out to be the only casualty in this whole ordeal, Ryeowook will count this as a win.

What he doesn't count on is the fact that Hyukjae would invariably hear about it.

"Is it true?" Hyukjae corners him after Ryeowook picks up his order from the on-campus cafe.

"You know, I don't think so. I think she's just Henry's accompanist for rehearsals," Ryeowook responds genuinely, certain that the latest gossip about Henry's potentially secret girlfriend is what Hyukjae must have been referring to.

"What? No!" Hyukjae stops in confusion but stomps after Ryeowook once he gets his bearings back. "No, I heard that you gave up on finding him, that you gave up a while ago. Is it true?"

Ryeowook hesitates to sit down at the open table he found, and Hyukjae's entire posture seizes in betrayal. "Alright, got it," Hyukjae says with an edge to his tone. "Do me a favour, yeah? Never talk to me ever again."

"Wait!" Ryeowook calls once Hyukjae turns on his heel and storms off. "Hyukjae, wait!" He pays no mind to the fact that he's abandoning his belongings as he chases Hyukjae outside. "I get that you're angry, but don't you think this is a little much?"

He reaches out for Hyukjae's upper arm, but the other immediately shrugs it off. Ryeowook flinches and retreats slightly. Despite the other's obvious fury, Hyukjae is stopped in place and seems willing to actually talk to him, and Ryeowook holds onto that hope instead.

"No, actually," Hyukjae sneers. "I think this is the perfect amount of much when you find out your best friend has been wasting your time for who knows how long!"

Of all the things Hyukjae could have said in that moment, Ryeowook didn't expect that reaction at all. It stings more than he expects, cuts through his defensiveness; and despite his position in the situation, he can't help but need comfort. "What do you mean?" he asks in a confused, desperate voice.

"What do I mean?" Hyukjae repeats exasperatedly. "Ryeowook, we spent weeks together trying to figure out how to get you your dream guy! We never even got anywhere, and, and… And it's all because of you! You shot down basically every one of my ideas practically from the beginning, even after I told you how much it would personally mean to me. That is, like, the textbook definition of a waste of time!"

"You weren't having fun?"

"What?" Hyukjae demands incredulously.

"All that time we spent together," Ryeowook clarifies as he steadfastly meets Hyukjae's angry gaze. "You didn't have fun?"

Hyukjae is silent, and his body posture screams obstinate defiance, but his eyes remain trained on Ryeowook.

"You didn't come to look forward to spending time with me? You didn't spend your free time thinking of ways to make me laugh?"

Hyukjae rolls his eyes. "So what? What does any of that mean when you were just stringing me along? You… you weren't even using me!?" he exclaims, voice rising in a hysterical question. "That was literally the whole basis of our friendship, and you couldn't even do that? Like, what could you have possibly gained from lying to my face like that for all this time?"

Ryeowook gives a watery smile at the non-answer and looks down at his fingers fidgeting together. "I did, too," he says in a voice so quiet it was like he intended to keep that to himself.

It's silent for a long time after that admission. Hyukjae's lividness has dissipated, and he is only left with a disappointment so painful he doesn't want to dwell on it any further. He moves to leave Ryeowook alone outside of the cafe, but Ryeowook's voice stops him.

"W-What did you say?" Hyukjae asks with apprehension.

Ryeowook ignores the tears falling from his eyes as he repeats himself. "I'm in a rush to catch you, but you're in a hurry to leave. Should I just surrender? Now we're like an old and worn notebook filled with scribbles."

Hyukjae simply stares, and Ryeowook takes that as his cue to keep going. "Take your beautiful smile with you. Don't leave it here. You saw me with tears in my eyes."

By heart,

"I was a selfish man, but my life is divided into before and after I knew you."

Ryeowook recites lyric,

"When I first saw you, it felt like a miracle."

after lyric,

"I'm thinking of you more today. I wonder how tomorrow morning will be. Will I miss you more than I do today?"

after lyric;

"I'm honest because I don't know lies before love."

and before he knows it,

"I'd place my feelings on the thawing snow. I'd hang my wish on a disappearing star, but only if you ask me to."

Hyukjae is within arm's reach.

"It's me?" Hyukjae whispers into the scant centimetres between them. "It's really me?" he asks again when Ryeowook had simply nodded.

Ryeowook can't even help it when he recites, "Even when you ask me again, for me, it's only you." with a breathy laugh as he shyly looks away.

Hyukjae moves to gently hold Ryeowook's hand. "And you're okay with that?"

Ryeowook wants to laugh and melt and cry and run away, but instead he settles for an earnest nod and a hesitant smile. "Are you?"

Hyukjae answers him with a kiss, and it feels like a dazzling melody.

~Together, we can make all our unfulfilled dreams come true.~

[problematicshipper]

Arranged Marriage AU

(Peter is 16, and Tony is 20)

An arranged marriage AU where Peter’s parents are both alive and own Parker Industries. It’s taken Richard and Mary decades of dedication to their craft in multiple fields of science, but they’re finally a force to be reckoned with. Establishing rivalries with other companies such as Oscorp, and Pym Labs. Parker Industries specializes in helping out the common man, and the help. Donating over 55% of their income to many helpful causes, and even having other family members such as Ben and May Parker open several homeless shelters in the Manhattan area alone.

Born and raised into this new era for his family is Peter Parker. Who is being shown the reins by his parents, and even has delved into biological sciences and some chemistry here and there. He’s shown on the covers of several science magazines, and many articles speak of the Prodigal Parker Son. One such news cover starts a rumor about Peter and the other children of famous scientists such as Harry Osborn and Tony Stark. Claiming that with Peter’s growing popularity among the public, he could easily overthrow the “Pompous Princes”  and lead the innovative world.

These rumors cause spite among other gifted children Peter’s age, and force him to become an outcast. Until Harry Osborn approaches him with a wink and a smile and tells Peter that he disregards all the rumors, and doesn’t think he’s a bad guy. Peter immediately melts into Harry’s presence and preens at the approval. He’s glad to have found a friend who is willing to hear from his perspective, and not some jackal from the Bugle or wherever. A friendship is quickly forged where Harry admits to Peter that he was originally set up by his father to befriend him to gather information. But after meeting Peter, he’s thrown all incentive to do his father’s will out the window. Peter is glad that Harry is honest about his past ulterior motives and the two remain best friends.

One day, Peter’s parents reveal they have life changing news for him. They’ve discussed with merging with another company to heighten their goals financially. While they are leading an ever growing company, there’s only so much they can accomplish on their own. This way, by joining forces with Stark Industries, they can accomplish so much more, and open up hundreds, if not thousands more job opportunities.

Peter is ecstatic until he learns the catch: He has to marry the Stark’s son and heir, Tony Stark.

Naturally, he isn’t too stoked about being forced to marry someone he doesn’t even know. He tries to get out of the situation, but his parents are guilt tripping him into conceding and just going through with it. Claiming it was the only way to get the Starks to agree with the merge. Peter calls bullshit and storms off, calling Harry to meet up with him. He spends the rest of the day in Harry’s car crying. Exclaiming how he can’t believe that his parents could do such a thing to him. Harry listens and calmly suggests bringing it up again when Peter’s head is more clear.

Peter never gets the chance because the announcement of the betrothal spreads like wildfire all across the nation the very next day. Peter locks himself away in his room, refusing to speak to either of his parents. He feels like a pawn that his parents are using to further their own careers without any consideration for his feelings.

The only person who Peter allows to enter his room is his uncle Ben, who serves as a shoulder to cry on, and an open ear for listening. Peter asks if it’s possible for his aunt and uncle to adopt him as a last resort. Ben, clearly upset with the decision that his brother and sister-in-law made for their son, sadly has to decline.

“I don’t want to be trapped in a loveless marriage, Ben. I want to be able to do whatever I want - I should be able to do whatever I want with my life!”

“I know, Peter. I am sorry.” And Ben means it.

A week passes before Peter is pulled out of his room to ready himself for the ‘meeting the fiance’ event. He scoffs as he looks over himself in the mirror. He’s sure that most couples have already established a relationship and a bond with one another before going the next step into marriage, but whatever. Apparently he doesn’t get to write his own story.

Admittedly, Peter doesn’t know much about Tony Stark other than he’s the heir to Stark Industries, and is somewhat of a flake. He’s never really attended any of the balls, or awards ceremonies that he and Harry, and all the other future heirs were forced to attend. Rumor has it the young Stark often plays hooky during events where his parents make their appearance to spite his father, Howard.

And of course, Peter knows what Tony looks like. He has to admit, he is handsome. That compiled with all the floating rumors paints a mess of a picture that Peter isn’t sure he’s ready to deal with. He’s going to have to spend the rest of his life living with a total stranger who probably won’t even spare him a passing glance. The thought of his bleak future makes his heart clench in so much hurt, it springs out tears from his eyes. Peter curses himself, wiping at his face when his mother comes around to let him know they’re ready to leave. Peter turns to leave without even acknowledging her or his father.

The proposal party is held at The Plaza. Everybody who’s anybody has attended. Most are people whom Peter has never met in his life. All congratulating him on his engagement. With fake smiles, and forced ‘thank-yous’, Peter steals glares at his parents, who coincidentally ignore him in favor of talking to the goddamn Mayor and the Starks.

However, Peter does notice that the Starks seem uncomfortable. With Howard looking at his watch every minute, and Maria glancing over  the crowd to the door. He swears he hears Howard murmur something along the lines of, “Better not be late, I swear to God.” Instantly, Maria focuses on her husband, rubbing his arm in comfort. Attempting to calm the ever growing angry man. Peter briefly wonders if Maria married Howard willingly, or if she was shoehorned into a similar position when she was younger.

The party goes on for a couple of hours. A good chunk of the guests are either sitting down looking bored, or shifting uncomfortably. Tony was supposed to have arrived hours ago. Seems the rumors of him being a flake are true after all. Peter sighs, and walks outside onto the balcony. At this rate he wouldn’t be surprised if he was left at the altar.

Peter gazes down to the traffic below, envious of the freedom of others. He’s shook out of it by the voices of partygoers growing in volume behind him. It’s a mix of gasps, laughter, and screams. He warily steps back inside the building just in time to see Tony Stark finally making the scene.

In the most outlandish clothes possible. The man looked like a mix between Willy Wonka and Pippi Longstocking. Mismatched undershirt with a blazer that seemed to be too small on him. Short pants that rode up his waist, and long socks with two different dress shoes on. A pair of Persol sunglasses perched atop the bridge of his nose.

Tony Stark struts through the party like he owns the place. Lifting his glasses at some people to wink at them, pointing finger guns at others, and flashing that huge and gorgeous smile at everyone he can. He stops in front of his parents. To Peter’s surprise, they seem unaffected by their son’s interesting choice in attire. Unlike everyone else around them who are either snapping pictures, or recording live video.

It’s when Peter looks towards his parents for their reactions that gets him to genuinely smile for the first time in weeks since the announcement. They are both naturally horrified by Tony Stark. His appearance and demeanor speaks volumes. Mary brings Richard down to her level to whisper in his ear. Peter can’t make it out, but it’s clear they’re reconsidering their decision. Good.

Then Tony turns to face Peter, and the air of swagger enveloping him all but disappears. His face softens to surprise and shock, and he ignores whatever it is that Howard is saying to him. Eyes locked on Peter, he pushes his way to his betrothed that he finally gets to meet. Tony lifts his glasses to rest on his head, and Peter’s breathing comes to a halt. His stomach litters with butterflies, and he’s pretty sure he’s shaking.

“Hey.” says Tony.

“Uh, h-hi.” Peter replies in a daze.

Tony shifts in place, and pockets his hands. “So, you’re Peter, hm? My fiance?”

“Yeah.” Peter answers meekly.

“Well then, Peter,” Tony stretches out his arms, opening himself up for evaluation. “You like what you see?”

Before Peter has a chance to answer, Howard is on them, roughly pulling at Tony’s arm to turn him around. Peter frowns.

“Tony, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Howard hisses through clenched teeth. “In front of all these people? In front of the Mayor? Our supporters.”

“Didn’t realize this was your party, Howard,” Tony scoffs then gestures to all the attendees. “Or theirs for that matter.”

“Tony please,” Maria pleads in a hush tone. “Don’t make a fool of yourself.”

“Aw, come on, mama. It’s what I do best, right?” Tony turns and smiles at Peter who can’t help but return the gesture.

“Howard? Maria?” Richard and Mary rush over. “Can we talk? Privately?”

With a sharp leer from Howard, Tony rolls his eyes as he watches the four adults excuse themselves. Howard makes a brief apology the the guests, and virtually sucks the mayor’s dick in front of everyone before exiting the room.

Slowly, the guests go back to partying. Some leaving after all the hubbub has died down. Everyone gives Tony and Peter some space to get to know each other.

“I didn’t mean to embarrass you, Peter.” Tony mumbles to him. “It was never my intention.”

“I know,” Peter believes him. “I figured the news must have struck you the wrong way too.”

“Yeah, I was so pissed when my parents told me I was going to be involved in a forced marriage. Especially after they told me who it was I was betrothed to.”

Peter felt his heart sink. Was he really that big of a disappointment?

“Because I got worried that I wouldn’t be good enough for you, so I figured I’d pull this whole charade to give you and your parents a chance to back out.” Tony looks toward the doorway the parents went through. “Looks like it worked.”

“Wait, you thought that you wouldn’t be good enough for me?” Peter gasped. “Are you joking? You’re Tony Stark! You’re smart! You’re handsome! You’re funny! Who wouldn’t want to marry you?”

Tony cocked his head to the side, mouth widening in an open grin. “You think I’m funny?”

Peter stammers, “W-well, I… I mean, yeah. I think you’re… pretty funny.”

“You turn really red when you’re embarrassed. It’s cute.”

Peter had no idea how to respond to that. He shifts under Tony’s hooded gaze and honestly, he wants more of it. Wants more of Tony. He doesn’t want to end the engagement.

“I like you.” Peter blurts out.

Tony blinks. “Okay. I like you too?”

Peter groans, “No, I mean… I want to get to know you more. I don’t want to call off the engagement, or have my parents do it. If you know, that’s alright with you too?”

“You really want to subject yourself to this mess?” Tony gestures to himself.

“Hey, I have self-confidence issues myself. So maybe, we can be messes together?”

“Sounds nasty.”

“Not what I meant!”

Tony just smiles and takes Peter by the hand, leading him away from the party, away from the scolding judgement of their parents. They make it outside where Tony has the valet bring his car up to the entrance. He opens the side door, allowing Peter to sit down before closing it, and getting in the driver’s side.

“Where are we going?” Peter asks, excitement overtaking his senses. He’s slightly bouncing in the seat, which makes Tony laugh.

“Wherever you want, baby.”

Peter thinks for a second, “The beach, maybe?”

They spend most of the afternoon and early evening along The Hamptons shoreline, hand in hand.

[paulisweeabootrash]

Followup on Evangelion

This post was supposed to happen quite a while ago, but stuff happened and I forgot to do stuff so here we are.  Like I did with my Re:ZERO followup, I just wanted to come back to look more broadly at the rest of the series here instead of getting into individual episodes.  I previously talked about eps. 1--8, so this encompasses everything 9--26.

Before we get to the actual review, though, I need to tell you something bout my background, and consequently one of my biggest pet peeves.  I’m an engineering psychologist by training, and so although I’m not remotely qualified for the clinical side of things that people always associate with psychologists, I do know a fair amount about normal thought processes.  And you know what I am absolutely certain of?  Freud was wrong.  I don’t understand why we give him so much attention in intro-level psych classes, and I suspect that people often come out of those classes knowing less about psychology than they would if they hadn’t taken the class at all because they’re required to learn about Freud.  Freud was influential, sure, but that’s mainly a bug, not a feature.  He tried to develop an all-encompassing model of normal development and cognition based entirely on psychiatric patients (maybe not the greatest approach?) and ended up with a body of work so ad hoc handwavy that philosopher Karl Popper used it as an example of something “unfalsifiable” -- that is, one could not even in theory run an experiment which would prove Freud wrong, because there are no specific observable results that Freud’s theories couldn’t produce an explanation/excuse for like some kind of game of research Calvinball.  He maybe deserves to be mentioned as one of many “founders” of psychology, but really, unless you’re in a class on the philosophy of science or the early precursors to actually scientific mental healthcare, I cannot understand why we think he’s worth discussing in any detail.  Do we start chemistry classes with a week on the ancient Greek elements of earth, water, air, fire, and ether, and test students on the final on the theory of how those elements interact?  No?  Then why do we start psychology classes with a week on Freud’s theories and test students on the final on defining the id, ego, and superego or the psychosexual stages of development?

Why is this relevant?  Because the second half of the series gets frequently and intensely Freudian.  Some people draw parallels between Asuka, Rei, and Shinji and the Id, Superego, and Ego, and yeah, okay, I guess so, but I’m willing to accept that as a character dynamic that works well.  Then, in the backstory episode about the establishment of NERV, we get exposition about the three-part Magi computer system being different aspects of its creator’s personality, which is pretty hard to not see as another id-superego-ego set.  My real issue is with the psychosexual angle.  Misato, for example, can’t stay way from her ex Ryoji, but also repeatedly compares him to her father, including immediately after an off-screen (but voice acted) sex scene.  There’s an entire out-of-body experience episode where Shinji, temporarily merged with his Eva, directly experiences his own subconscious desires for sex and praise that all boil down to “he misses his mother” (who is filled in for, in a way, by Misato here, as she is the person who brings him back out of the Eva into the world and the first person he encounters when “born”, if you will... and of course in true Freudian fashion, she appears as one of his possible sexual partners in the out-of-body experience).  And I just... hate that aspect of the show and need you to know it.

That is not at all to say I haven’t enjoyed and appreciated the rest of Evangelion, though.  The angels, varied and bizarre, are one of the best uses of the monster of the week format I’ve seen in any show.  Their capabilities are poorly-understood even to those shown to be experts in-universe, and they are a genuine threat to the characters.  Serious injuries to pilots and Evas alike are common, and the number of implied or explicit civilian deaths and the amount of damage to Tokyo-3 and NERV HQ escalate dramatically.  They are, ludicrous technobabble explanations aside, a truly and horrifyingly alien opponent, whose motive is not even revealed until about halfway through the series, and whose potential impact (ha!) remains hidden to the main characters.  Those revelations come up organically in dialogue that establishes how secretive and how deep into mad science NERV truly is.  Blah blah spoiler spoiler, suffice it to say that Misato is not well-filled-in on what exactly NERV is doing, and learns some things from Ritsuko and Ryoji that have pretty disturbing implications about the capabilities and direction of their technology.  All the while, the “Human Instrumentality Project” looms in the background, mentioned but not explained until the very end when it is put into action.

Our main trio of pilots experience some character development that, again, I find very believable for teenagers thrown into a level of both danger and responsibility that they can’t handle.  Asuka’s arrogance and competitiveness turn from quirks into tragic flaws as she recklessly tries to prove herself to be the best Eva pilot, and are also revealed to be part of a more complex and general need to prove herself to be serious and mature.  (Not to mention, she is infuriating precisely because, again, she’s realistically written... her mixture of resentment and longing for Shinji and her wildly age inappropriate crush on Ryoji both remind me of people I used to know.)  Rei, who has never known anything but NERV’s single-minded dedication to making her a pilot (and who, like Shinji, is a victim of Gendo’s abusive parenting), starts to have the first vaguely normal human relationships of her life.  And Shinji tries to run away again, but I promise, it’s different this time.

No, that last one’s not in there as a joke -- I think this is an important turning point.  In ep. 18, Gendo remotely takes control of Shinji’s Eva to force it to do something Shinji refuses to do.  Shinji is understandably horrified by this, not just because of the violation of his autonomy or something but because of the terrible thing he has now experienced doing (remember, pilots are neurologically connected to their Evas and share their sensations), and in the next episode, in a burst of sheer hatred for not just his father but all of NERV, he quits again.  Most of the other characters still treat him as running away due to weakness or indecision, like they did earlier in the series, but he has a reason now.  They are falling victim to a “boy who cried wolf”-like problem, reacting to what they have come to expect from Shinji rather than to his actual motive.  He is persuaded to return in order to protect his fellow pilots who have become his friends, and then the next episode is that infuriating out-of-body thing, but the fact remains that this shows Shinji has grown across the series, from acting out of fear of and/or familial obligation to Gendo to acting out of a desire for praise (see ep. 12) to feeling like he has an actual role and mission to play.

Meanwhile, it becomes clear that Gendo really is the sinister mastermind he appeared to be.  While his colleagues in the shadowy council -- called Seele -- attempt to rein him in, and he theoretically is responsible to a chairman of that organization, the real power is with Gendo and the sheer amount of mad science he can muster under secretive or outright false pretenses.  And... wow, there’s not much I can say about that, because there’s not much I can say about episode 19 and beyond without revealing backstory the show wants to keep secret until this late.

What I can say, though, is I think the show fumbles hard on its late episodes, even before the notorious original ending.  Up to this point, I thought the show had been improving in general in its ability to tell an interesting story, but it dives back here into the same problem I had early on where it’s difficult to tell how much time has passed within or between episodes, and that creates more of a problem this time around for the basic ability of the audience to empathize with the main characters.  Perhaps this explains why there were alternate Director’s Cut versions of these specific episodes?  (I don’t know because I haven’t seen them, and they’re apparently only available to English-speakers on the 2004 “Platinum Collection” DVD release, and I am not paying the $120+ that eBay sellers want for them.)  I suppose it’s possible that the unsatisfying endings of our main cast’s arcs are intentional, and reflect how pessimistic Anno himself, and his initial description of the show, were, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with a downer ending per se, but episodes 21-24 don’t manage to land them for me.  Asuka fails at the only thing that makes her feel valuable, Rei has her tenuous human connections and her means of maintaining them if anything happens to her taken away, Misato realizes maybe NERV has been the bad guys all along, Shinji finally shows agency and makes an important decision for himself but immediately regrets it... all of these clearly should be tragic, but they just didn’t make me feel as sad for those characters as I know I should’ve.

Asuka’s brief and mostly-offscreen abandonment of NERV in the face of her plummeting confidence, the introduction of the Fifth Child, Kaworu, and Ryoji’s sneaking of secret information to Misato all are great plot points that could have had dramatic conclusions, but they all fell flat for me.  The episode focusing on Rei at least makes sense in tying together many things implied by previous episodes, and fills in or confirms some things we’ve already seen.  For example, it confirms the existence of literal souls in this narrative universe, so now we know to take certain aspects of Shinji’s out-of-body experience -- the loss of sense of self, and the feeling of having recontacted his mother’s soul -- as literal rather than just a storytelling device to display the Freudian subconscious, and the angels’ ability to make direct mental contact with people by this point certainly seems to be literal magic, not some sort of exotic biology.

But episodes 21-24 in particular feel like a rapid-fire dump of partial ideas with the dramatic pauses in all the wrong places -- exemplified by the minute-long still shot as Shinji decides whether to stop the final angel from [spoiler] that changes the scene from tense to absurd.  It is, in other words, paced poorly, and this isn’t just bad news for individual episodes, but for the ability of events to matter to the audience.  I also expected to have something to say about the gay content in ep. 24 that the professional internet commentators are obsessed with talking about (specifically, talking about how much Netflix screwed it up with a very small translation change), but that aspect of that episode in particular was overshadowed for me because the show just failed to show enough of a relationship building between Shinji and Kaworu for it to mean anything.  Even with the “love” to “like” change, I end up coming away with the impression that Shinji has a crush on Kaworu (whether Kaworu feels the same or just doesn’t get how normal people interact), but that doesn’t mean much when their entire series of interactions seems to be over less than a day(?).

And so we come to the two-part finale.  With no more angels to interfere, the Human Instrumentality Project begins.  We first see our pilots suffering separately in their own despairs and doubts, Shinji and Asuka both suffering from needing to be needed, Rei wanting to die permanently this time but afraid now that it’s finally an option.  The Project apparently forces direct contact between everyone’s souls, though, and we see how the exposure of feelings we do not wish to express or even think about can be even worse than isolation.  Misato and Asuka both totally break down upon directly encountering Shinji’s soul and involuntarily sharing their most upsetting and embarrassing memories with him.

Or, well, that seems to be what Shinji’s getting from them, anyway.  We don’t actually know what they’re experiencing, I guess, since we quickly learn this is only Shinji’s personal experience of Instrumentality.  He, and implicitly everyone else, is stuck in his own personal incorporeal world having an internal argument and trying to navigate an entirely new way of existing not constrained by the physical world.  The visuals themselves meanwhile regress to sparsely-detailed still images, then to storyboards, then sketches, before suddenly popping back to full animation as Shinji experiences another “possible world”, a frankly hilarious couple of scenes reimagining the show as a school life comedy.  Shinji begins to untangle what he thinks of himself from what others think of him, and is instructed by visions of his friends and colleagues that, among other things, conventional associations between concepts are just that -- conventional associations -- and they don’t need to mean to him what he thinks they’re supposed to mean.  Then this fascinating mindfuck of an ending, which up to this point I have been genuinely enjoying enough to forgive its Freudian jargon, crashes to a halt with the resolution that he just suddenly accepts himself, abruptly.  And then everyone clapped.  The end.

I feel let down, because it just sort of feels like Anno wanted very badly to resolve Shinji’s misery, but just whiffed on how to pull it off.  “Just stop hating yourself”, even given some sort of amazing supernatural opportunity to do so, is a bit too “have you tried not being a monster?” of a resolution for me.  I’m not asking for realistic therapy in my anime, but maybe there was some better way to show him changing his entire outlook?  And then I feel let down again because I finally remember that we cut to this abruptly and are totally ignoring what Instrumentality is doing or will do to everyone else, something that is such a wild shift that it is certainly the end of the world as we know it, to zoom in on just one person’s inner conflict in a very surreal way for two entire episodes.  So... yeah.  That was Evangelion.  Yup.  It was a solid sci-fi (or... sci-fantasy, I guess) premise that went in interesting directions, although not always executed well.  I appreciated it, and I would be interested to see how it has been repeatedly remade by its own creator.  Just, uh, not right now.

Come back soon for a third post about Evangelion, which will be a headcanon and/or questionable interpretation that probably nobody wants or needs but which I feel compelled to share.

[terramythos]

Review: The Stone Sky by N. K. Jemisin (The Broken Earth #3)

Length: 398 pages.

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, Science Fiction, Apocalyptic, Post-post-post Apocalyptic, Dystopia, Female Protagonist, Antagonist POV, First-Person, Second-Person, Third-Person, Gray Morality, Dark, Great Worldbuilding, Great Character Development, LGBT Characters, Diverse Cast, Trilogy, Perfect Score 

Warning(s): This is probably the most optimistic of the trilogy, but it’s still not a happy series. Abuse/torture, slavery, graphic violence and gore, and major body horror. References to child death. 

My Rating: 5 / 5 

**WARNING: THIS REVIEW (INCLUDING THE SUMMARY) CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE FIRST TWO BOOKS. IF YOU WANT A SPOILER FREE REVIEW, PLEASE READ MY FIFTH SEASON REVIEW (X), OR, BETTER YET, JUST READ THE SERIES.**

My Summary:

The reckoning of the world has come. Essun, who has lived a life of suffering and loss, finally has a home to call her own. But she is one of the last living humans who can harness The Obelisk Gate and return the Moon to the world, finally quelling Father Earth’s rage and ending the apocalyptic Seasons forever. She knows such an act will  cost her life. 

Her daughter Nassun, meanwhile, has seen that the cruelty of the world cannot be reconciled. More powerful than her mother, she seeks the power of The Obelisk Gate for another purpose— to end the suffering of others, forever. 

And finally, Hoa reveals the origins of himself and the other stone eaters— the immortal, humanoid statues who have their own stakes and motives in this conflict. His is a chilling tale of a utopia built on the suffering of others… a cycle humanity seems unable to break, even 40,000 years after the Seasons began. 

Does humanity deserve another chance? Only one will decide the fate of the Earth.

Time grows short, my love. Let’s end with the beginning of the world, shall we? Yes. We shall.

Minor spoilers and my thoughts follow.

Here’s my dilemma— this is the final book in a series, and I find it impossible to talk about any final entry without reflecting on what came before it. For better or worse, everything ties together somehow in the last book. In this case I’d say “for better”, because this book was great, and an excellent way to conclude a thought-provoking and wonderful trilogy. But nevertheless, I’ll probably be discussing the series as a whole in this review.

So, yes, this was a really good conclusion. Definitely not where I expected things to end up, based on the opening premise, but that’s not a bad thing, and it’s been interesting to see how the story and characters have molded and changed. Honestly, I don’t have some master plan on how to style this review, except by discussing all the different parts of the story that really clicked for me.

I’m a sucker for “fate of the world” type stories, and I’m glad that The Stone Sky finally takes this direction. It’s really something to see how far Essun has come. She starts as a scared little girl hiding in a barn and is now a forty-something woman with the destiny of humanity in her hands. You can see all the steps that lead her to this point, but there’s something truly epic about any story that includes such a level of growth. It’s been an often-painful ride, but one I’ve really enjoyed nevertheless.

Obviously, I have to talk about the characters. Everyone was SO interesting. Even characters you were supposed to dislike initially had fascinating development over time. Schaffa is the obvious example, as we saw in The Obelisk Gate, but that continues in The Stone Sky as well. In this one there’s a minor antagonist from the previous book who gets called out on her bullshit and… changes her behavior accordingly. Hell, the leading antagonist of the entire series, Father Earth, the force that has caused the death and destruction of billions of people, has justifiable motives.

And you look at Essun, who is generally a good person at heart, and some of the terrible things she’s done (which is ESPECIALLY relevant since the narrator likes to see the best in her). Her daughter Nassun fills the “destroy the world” role, but even her motivations for doing so come from a place of compassion. It’s… interesting, to say the least. And that’s not to say that there aren’t minor characters who are pretty awful the whole time, but those are noticeably the irredeemable bigots, which makes sense for the type of story being told here.

You know what I mentioned in my Obelisk Gate review (x) about gray morality? Yeah. Everyone major is a complex character. Who knew?

As for specifics, I already named most of my favorite characters in my Obelisk Gate review, and that pretty much continues here. There are some new faces introduced (or re-introduced) in this one, but for the most part the focus is on an established cast, emphasizing how they’ve grown and changed over time. There’s plenty of examples. Essun, despite everything, has started to move past a lot of her trauma and open up to other people. Nassun has her own found family in Schaffa, but nevertheless continues to spiral down a destructive path. Probably the most significant development in this one is Hoa, our intrepid narrator, who finally reveals his origins and backstory. I found him fascinating because he directly states his motives several times, yet we don’t really know his intentions until this book. It’s been a ride back and forth, but I think he’s probably one of the most interesting characters in the series. He’s a far cry from the minor helper character he seems to be at first.  

While the first two books had snippets from Hoa’s perspective, he becomes a full-fledged perspective character in The Stone Sky, and reveals a lot about the world and general themes of the story. This entry also humanizes him a great deal. We already knew he identifies as a human, that he’s one of the oldest stone eaters alive, but not necessarily what that means to him until now. Most of his story explores how the world got to its current, cyclical apocalypse-state, tied to the origins of the stone eaters. Despite the time leaps, Jemisin keeps it all relevant and interesting; it never feels jarring to switch between disparate perspectives. That’s true for the other books as well, and I think it speaks quite well of her writing. One really satisfying part about Hoa’s perspective in this entry is we get an actual, canon explanation for why he’s narrating Essun’s life in second-person. Over the course of the series he lapses into first-person sometimes, or narrates in a very stylistic way, and all of that starts to make sense too. There’s even solid reasoning to the whole unreliable narrator thing! It was a nice touch to tie off the series.

This entry into the series also gives us a chance to look at long term worldbuilding. Specifically, there’s a LOT of slow burn/long con details about the world that we finally figure out here. One really interesting detail is the concept of “icewhite eyes”. Basically, it’s a rare eye color that’s commonly seen as a bad omen. The Fifth Season seems to play this straight; two named characters have icewhite eyes. One is the then-monstrous Schaffa. So, bad omen, check. The other is Hoa, who we figure out pretty early isn’t quite human (at least how we see it), and has mysterious— possibly sinister— intentions. So, check off the bad omen there, right? Except BOTH of these characters develop in unexpected ways. Schaffa becomes— of all things— a strong father figure for Nassun. Hoa is, well, Hoa, and full of spoilers, but it should be obvious by now he’s a pretty complex guy. Finally, in The Stone Sky, we learn where the negative beliefs about icewhite eyes come from, and it is… well, pretty fucked. It’s obviously allegorical, but the reader doesn’t really get the extent of it until this book, which makes it all the more insidious. It ties wonderfully to the anti-bigotry, anti-oppression themes of the novel, and does so by completely playing the reader.

This is just one example of many, and I’m willing to bet this series is a fun one to re-read due to all the future context. But now to focus on things that generally apply to the series, rather than something this book in particular focuses on.

Generally speaking, there are things about the world that I really like, now that I’ve had three books to consider them. One big thing that played with my expectations was orogeny as a concept; for all intents and purposes it feels like this world’s version of magic. But as the series goes on you learn orogeny isn’t magic at all; just an evolutionary trait future humans picked up (I mean, the term “oroGENE” implies this, but…). Not only that, but traditional magic does exist, and is very relevant to the story. The stone eaters were also super interesting. They were way different than most generic “fantasy races,” and getting their backstory in this entry made them even more compelling to me. They’re uncanny and sort of creepy at first, but the more you learn about them the more explainable their behavior becomes.

I’ve talked so much about the things I like about the series that I’ve neglected to mention the writing itself… it’s very good. Exquisite, even. I’m not sure how else to describe it— Hoa has a very strong voice— humorous (often bitterly) and cognizant of the little details. I loved the fun poetic bits that experiment with typeface and line breaks. There’s even a part where The Important Words Were Capitalized, which felt so natural with how people type now that I’m surprised I haven’t seen it much in literary works. The trilogy was very fun to read based purely on the writing. Even if it had been lacking in content, which it wasn’t, I think I still would have enjoyed it purely for the craft.

Certain themes are omnipresent in this series, and there were several that really struck a chord with me. Obviously, the cycles of oppression the characters face are allegorical to the real world. One thing I REALLY like about this series is how much it defends the downtrodden, something I feel mainstream fantasy often fails to do. So many series seem to WANT an oppressed class in their fantasy world, then are completely apathetic to what that means, or don’t bother to challenge the issues such an inclusion brings. It’s like “oh, well, this happens in the real world, so I should have some sort of allegory for racism/sexism/homo/transphobia”. Not so here— The Broken Earth is about the full implications of oppression and why it’s so wrong, why it’s so unjust. The Fifth Season’s dedication reads “For all those who have to fight for the respect that everyone else is given without question” and honestly that was the point I knew this series and I were going to click. Just because we are looking through a fantasy lens does not make these things any less horrible or ugly, and I’m glad the series takes such a strong stance against dehumanization and oppression.

Another overarching theme I was surprised impacted me so much was that of parenthood. A character early in the series says “Children will be the ruin of us.” It’s a haunting line in context, and thematically it sticks through the rest of the series. Essun’s motherhood is a central part of her character— striking because initially she has no desire to be a mother. She is, arguably, not even a very good mother in the traditional sense— but her protectiveness of her children ultimately defines a lot of the story. It’s hard to go into detail without broaching major spoiler territory, but it’s a consistent and heart-wrenching theme that persists all the way to the end. That particular line is literal for many, many events in the story.

I discussed representation in my previous reviews, so I won’t retread that much, but stories like this prove just how easy it is (and should be) to be inclusive. It makes sense that the cast is so diverse in this series, because it is very much about the oppressed and the issues they face. Wouldn’t make any sense to have that central concept, then focus on a bunch of straight white guys. But that being said, I think this series is a great example of how  writing can be better in terms of representation. This is the only fantasy series I’ve ever read where the main protagonist is a 40-something black mother. And there should be much, much more out there. Since getting into this series I’ve found myself looking critically at a lot of mainstream entertainment, and its failure to represent minority groups beyond a few token characters. It was a problem I was aware of, but this series makes it look so easy that I find myself even more annoyed that most people don’t bother.

I’m not going to lie— The Broken Earth is a pretty bleak series. A lot of really horrible shit happens to the main cast. Hell, the opening premise is that (a) a toddler was murdered by his father, and (b) the world is about to end forever, killing millions of people. Most of the early content focuses on a brutalized slave class, hated by society for the crime of having a certain evolutionary trait. But the series is also about the small moments of hope that shine through despite these things. Happiness and compassion are worth celebrating, because they remind us that there is something worth fighting for in the world, no matter how hopeless and awful things seem. We see characters who are victimized and beaten down ultimately come into their own truths and find their own families and reasons to live. So yeah, it’s a dark series, but I wouldn’t have had it other way. I hope someday I can meet N. K. Jemisin to thank her for writing these. They’ve given me a lot to think about.

[bookishreviewsblog]

V.E. Schwab: Vicious (Villains #1) | Lara

Victor and Eli started out as college roommates—brilliant, arrogant, lonely boys who recognized the same sharpness and ambition in each other. In their senior year, a shared research interest in adrenaline, near-death experiences, and seemingly supernatural events reveals an intriguing possibility: that under the right conditions, someone could develop extraordinary abilities. But when their thesis moves from the academic to the experimental, things go horribly wrong.

Ten years later, Victor breaks out of prison, determined to catch up to his old friend (now foe), aided by a young girl whose reserved nature obscures a stunning ability. Meanwhile, Eli is on a mission to eradicate every other super-powered person that he can find—aside from his sidekick, an enigmatic woman with an unbreakable will. Armed with terrible power on both sides, driven by the memory of betrayal and loss, the archnemeses have set a course for revenge—but who will be left alive at the end?

“Plenty of humans were monstrous, and plenty of monsters knew how to play at being human.” When can I marry Victor and adopt the rest of his gang? Seriously, I would do anything (ANYTHING!) for any of them, but I’ll come to that later. Dark, twisted, vicious. This story reminded me all over again why I am such a sucker for hardcore anti-heroes. Victor and Eli are best friends and college roommates. Were. Before Eli shot Victor and sent him to jail after he killed his girlfriend. It is sure as hell more a little bit more complicated, but it started with Eli’s research on his class thesis about EO – the ExtraOrinary. Namely, those are people who endured trauma, more accurately near-death experience, and body’s chemical composition changed and gave them… powers. Naturally, what would two arrogant, rich, bored seniors do rather than experiment, on themselves? What could possibly go wrong? World building in this book is by all means astonishing. As in Shades of Magic, Schwab provides a whole new perspective on superpowers. This mixture of science fiction and fantasy makes a perfect foundation for an extraordinary story. I especially like the concept of EO’s getting their powers – persons last thoughts are somehow connected to the source of their newfound power. Genius. I have a sudden urge to write a poem about Schwab’s spectacular writing and pacing. This book is everything I didn’t even know I needed in my life. The whole book is, in fact, a big preparation for the epic encounter between Eli and Victor. The book begins with the opening of Eli and Victor’s story, how they got to where they are, ten years from the moment that changed their lives and where are they now. Then it slowly introduces backstories, development, motives and then it begins the process of including other characters who complete their story. I loved the way Schwab introduced her world and story, with all “10 years ago” “two weeks ago” chapters she created the rhythm of slowly unraveling the plot, and I could, indeed, feel the story piecing together like a puzzle. Tension is everywhere, all over the city of Merit, and it keeps increasing, chapter by chapter, hour by hour until I almost lost it from lunatic anticipation. It is growing slowly, almost lazily, that I didn’t notice it at first, but towards the end, it was so much of it that I was all nerves. Even though I knew (suspected,,) Victor had a plan the whole time, I felt on edge the whole time and just waited for everything to go wrong. The plot was really dynamic and it is so worth reading because I couldn’t part with my kindle for the most of the time. I really want to shout this aloud a few more times because I am afraid there is a person in some corner of the Earth that don't know it. Victoria Schwab has the absolute greatest characterization. Victoria Schwab died, was revived and received power to write the most shshiny, perfect, spectacular characters. That’s the only explanation for this perfection. Victor Vale“Because you don't think I'm a bad person," he said. "And I don't want to prove you wrong.” I knew I’d love a wonder that Victor Vale is from the moment he appeared on the pages. An introvert ambitious genius constantly overshadowed by his charming roommate. From early descriptions, I could see something that is going to be a big trigger for Victor – jealousy. He’s constantly envious of Eli, even though he does not know it. Whether of his ambition, knowledge, his girlfriend Angie or his ability to charm his way out of anything, he is constantly overshadowed by him. His chance to shine pops out during Eli’s research about EO’s – if they could do it and Victor became EO, wouldn’t that make Victor equally, or even more important for the research and force Eli to work together? Well, that is about to be good. His blind determination to become part of Eli’s research turns to obsession, and he isn’t willing to stop until he succeeds, no matter the cost. After a series of events, he ends up in jail for ten years. That is, like, “before” (before becoming EO) part of his character. I’m still missing out some of his backstory, but I hope Schwab will bless us with that in Vengeful. “I want to believe that there's more. That we could be more. Hell, we could be heroes.” The “after” part of Victor is insane. What can a guy do in prison for ten years? Well planning a vicious revenge sounds like a deserving source of entertainment. I love revenge and characters driven by it because it always makes things dirty. So, Victor breaks out of jail, with nothing on his mind but sweet sweet vengeance, no moral compass and ability to inflict or stop pain on anyone. The reason I said there is “before” and “after” of his character is that becoming EO changes people. It takes some basic but vital feelings, like grief, guilt, regret, empathy. He remembers what it’s like to feel those things, but can’t actually force himself to feel them, but has to constantly “remind” himself of it. He acknowledges something is wrong, because he set it like that in his mind, but he doesn’t sense it. (I had a quote but can’t find it, damn, but here’s one I found: “A pang of guilt, something foreign after a decade in jail, nudged his ribs.”). That I-don’t-care-but-care, ughgghghgg he’s so adorable, with a weak spot for twelve-year-old necromancer, old dog and his hacker cell mate. (“Victor fed it to him, and gave the dog’s ears—which came to his stomach, even sitting on the stool—a short scratch. He looked from the beast to Sydney. He really was collecting strays.”) Mitch Mitch aka chocolate milk is the most iconic character ever to exist. A kick-ass hacker, who constantly ends up in prison for crimes he didn’t commit. So one day, he loses it and decides to actually commit a crime, well, if he’s going to end up in jail anyway, better make it good. He’s actually the ultimate sweetheart and I love him. Sydney Sydney is also a EO, with a badass power – she can raise the dead. She grew up with manipulative older sister and parents who didn’t particularly care for her, so she isn’t to eager to go home after her sister and her psycho boyfriend try to kill her. I just have to say how much I love the three o them together. They are such a cute, badass little family and I love it so much how they grew on each other without knowing it. “She knew exactly where she was going. Serena hadn’t told Sydney to go home. She hadn’t told her to run away. She’d told her to go somewhere safe. And over the course of the last week, safe had ceased to be a place for Sydney, and had become a person. Specifically, safe had become Victor.” I’m melting inside. Eli Cardale “If Eli really was a hero, and Victor meant to stop him, did that make him a villain?" Eli Cardale the ultimate villain, who believes himself a hero with a mission from God to purify the world and protect people from monsters that are Eos. I guess he forgot that he’s an EO himself, whoops. “When no one understands, that's usually a good sign that you're wrong.” But it’s all good if he feels blessed. I actually thought I’d like him for his dedication to the cause, but he just annoyed me all the time with his god complex. Serena Serena is a really good female villain – always gets everything her way and know exactly what she wants. She has real ambition and is a type of villain I usually like but she possesses a dose of bitchiness that made me hate her. *spoiler* I was so happy when Victor killed her, but I have a bad feeling about her and that they aren’t done with bitch-siren yet. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and read the second book in one go, probably regretting it later because I’ll miss half of my life 😊

[agl03]

5x20 Hypable Breakdown

As requested via asks and messages....

Coulson and Talbot go galactic while the rest of the team have more Earthly concerns in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. 5×20.

Talbot gets strange

This week’s episode, titled “The One Who Will Save Us All,” focuses heavily on what happens when the gravitonium-infused Glen Talbot gets a taste of new possibilities. Armed with the righteous motivation of sparing humanity from the onslaught of the alien Confederacy, Talbot quickly takes the lead on the whole invasion problem. Coulson, for his part, is sort of like the driving instructor in a car without a passenger break.

Because it turns out that having the power of life and death in your fingers doesn’t make the difference between right and wrong any easier to spot. (A powerful theme of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. 5×20, in fact.) And even the strongest of heroes can be mislead by the right promise dangled from the right (blue) lips.

Talbot’s been on a wild ride in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season 5, and trust me, the changes will keep on coming.

This is NOT going to end well.   

I’ve said in a few metas I need to see once Talbot goes full on Graviton I need to see just who is in control.  If its Talbot or one of the other people that was stuck in the Gravitonium.   Because while Talbot wants to save the world he has never struck me as a kneel before me kind of guy.  

Now this bit,  And even the strongest of heroes can be mislead by the right promise dangled from the right (blue) lips.  Struck me big time.  This could very well be where Papa Kasius and his earth project started.  Remember, Kasius said that the deal for the Inhumans was struck “long ago”.  And there is a Kree in the promo.  And his broach totally reminds me of Faulk’s....maybe Fitz needs to bust his out again.  

The actions that Talbot takes and the deals that he makes are all going to be focused on saving the world.   But as we’ve seen so many times this season those decisions often backfire in the most spectacular way...this one will be no exception.  

Fight club

While Coulson has his hands full with Talbot-on, the rest of the team grapples with more mundane concerns. You know, getting the Zephyr into outer space, fighting off stray aliens, and… each other.

I’ll be frank. Daisy’s return to the Lighthouse in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.5×20 is not exactly a joyful homecoming — in fact, there are moments that make the tenser points of last week’s episode seem downright fuzzy in comparison.

Because, beneath the pressure of the timeline and the years of lingering trauma, between the fear and exhaustion and complete lack of answers, there are much deeper question at hand. What are these people willing to do to change (or NOT change) the future? What lines will they draw, consequences be damned? And what kind of people do these choices reveal them, fundamentally, to be?

Suffice to say, no two members of the team come up with quite the same answers in “The One Who Will Save Us All.”

If you need me I’m gonna be in the blanket for with a couple of tubs of Ben & Jerry’s here because this is going to hurt....a lot.   The team fracture is only going to get worse once Daisy gets back and everyone has different plans of how to proceed and a different end game in mine.  

Daisy is going to be on the warpath when it comes to saving Coulson.   And if anyone disagrees with her about her plans to use Centipede on him or how she wants to proceed its not going to end well.  I do worry especially for another blow up with Fizsimmons if she have to get the device working or the cocktail made properly.   

Its also going to be heart breaking and frustrating for her when she learns what Loop Elena said about Coulson having to die.   

Everyone on that team has that person they are no willing to give up and many have already made that choice to save them vs doing something they know would stop the loop.  They are all coming to the table with different information and experiences.  Fitzsimmons for example have the science, Elena has what her counterpart told her, May is going with Robin’s prophecies, and Deke from his knowledge of living what is to come.  

Closing the loop

The timeline With only three episodes to go before season’s end, “The One Who Will Save Us All” finally begins to slot in some of those uncomfortable realities that make the future possible. That’s not to say that the path to Earth’s destruction gets all that much clearer (it does, but not by much!) But there’s a smell of the endgame in the air, adding weight upon weight, and no shortage of consequences, to every seemingly forgone decision.

This  will speak to a few things.  First if I”m right and a deal is struck with Papa Kasius certainly plays a part in how things in the future play out.   I also think that we will start to see people and things fall into place that sets up that final catalyst if you will.  Every decision and every alignment within the team will matter (IE who sides with who on what).  

Crush me

When the world is about to end and an inscrutable timeline damn most of humanity, there’s really nothing better than spending some quality time with your crush. And that’s exactly what Deke attempts to do in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. 5×20 — you know, because it’s been working out so well for May and Coulson, Mack and Elena, and Fitz and Simmons.

But it turns out that there are surprisingly touching moments to be had between a guy from the future and a gal with superpowers and the weight of the world on her shoulders. They might not be what you (or Deke) were expecting, but they are certainly there.

I won’t lie, I’m not a huge fan of the Deke crush on Daisy angle they’ve been playing but its clearly leading to something story wise.   I don’t think this ship is going anywhere near canon...though I might eat my words because the last place I think it’s going is them kissing and she said it won’t play out how you were expecting.  

Deke and Daisy have had a few nice moments, especially in the future both on the Zephyr and right before he went and tried to sacrifice himself to get them all home.  He could go to her trying to offer her encouragement.  Tell her how strong and smart she is and that he has faith she’ll figure it all out.  

An interesting way this could go is if Deke reveals his connection to Fitzsimmons in the future and Daisy’s reaction surprises us.    

Finally this could be one of those AOS things where Deke says something that causes Daisy to have a Light bulb moment.

Pulling the Bonus hint up so I can discuss the last bit under the cut.

Bonus hint: Are you somebody that I used to know?

A familiar face returns?  Remember with the bonus hints they are usually pretty small things.  So this could be one of the other guys in Graviton/Coulson.  Someone recognizing Papa Kasius.   Or maybe Deke knows someone new into the mix.  

A more heart breaking option is this comes out during the fight in a “I don’t recognize you anymore” kind of way.

To ‘Infinity’ and the… present

Going under the thing because this will discuss major spoilers for Infinity War.

In its typical twisty way, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. 5×20 somehow manages to reference the events of Avengers: Infinity War without acting as a significant spoiler. But though the Avengers may be WAY too busy to think about (or remember) anyone from S.H.I.E.L.D., the unspecified dark portents of the MCU’s greatest battle is a remarkably effective goad in the episode.

Ummmm....there is a tie in into Infinity War.  Someone be it Gravibot or The team sees the events of Infinity War playing out as a bad omen and that pushes them into action.  Whether this “omen” is the fights in New York and Wakanda or people poofing out is yet to be seen.  

[revchainsaw]

Judge Dredd (1995)

I must confess that I have never read a single Judge Dredd comic book. I did own one issue of Batman vs Judge Dredd when I was a little kid, but I mostly just flipped through the panels and enjoyed the edgy art work. I can't speak to how faithful and adaptation that Judge Dredd is, but I think that may just be the best way to review a film. I may not have said this before on this blog, but I do not believe that being a faithful adaptation is the same thing as being a good movie, nor vice versa. I love the later adaptation, but this is a fascist super cop of a completely different breed. Let us see if Sylvester Stallone's crack at a 90s Super Hero flick will make a suitable sacrifice at the altar of the cult film God's.

The Message

1995's Judge Dredd is a Science Fiction Comic Book Adaptation starring Sylvester Stallone and Rob Schneider and it took me 3 attempt to finally get past the first few scenes before I could actually not feel like I was wasting my life watching it. The first thing a viewer will notice about this film is exactly how expensive everything looks. Oh God, how glorious and how massive these set pieces, costumes, and effects must have been, and I can't lie. I LOVED it. Unfortunately all that good will is lost when the plot tries to kick in. For all the force and action a title like Judge Dredd promises, it's story kicks in with a whimper and dialogue and lore that feels as if it was written by an angry 14 year old in his free time after he got detention for using a racial slur.

The film revolves around Judge Dredd, a super cop with a black and white perspective on the law so unrelenting that he has become a legend. He is seen in the early parts of the film teaching at a Judge Academy, single handedly ending anarchic riots, enforcing traffic citations. It makes you wonder exactly what the Judges council think they are doing, like they can't seem to figure out what to do with this guy.

It is revealed that Judge Dredd was a mutant experiment created by the fascist world leaders but the program only produced violent psychopaths (of which Dredd is one). The other Janus project reject is Rico, who builds awesome puppet robots who look like they belong in Return to Oz, and makes oopy goopy Judge Dredd brother babies. He also frames Judge Dredd for murder.

Once framed Judge Dredd's years of service buy him good graces with the totalitarian regime he works for and he is simply banished to the wastelands where he runs into Rob Schneider, and the movie just gets worse from there. The only saving grace here is more very expensive set pieces and crazy cyborg practical effect cannibal rednecks. It's so sad that this movie isn't more awesome. Judge Dredd does kick some ass though and his Daddy Boss shows up just to be immediately murdered.

Rob Schneider and Judge Dredd break back into Mega City One to defeat Rico, recruit Dredds coworker Hershey, and save the fascist dystopia they all live in from any significant social change. Hooray!!!!

The Benediction

Best Feature: Looks like 90 Million Bucks

The Movie is great to look at. The only gripe I have with anything in the costumes, effects, or set pieces is that the judges helmets in particular look like cheap plastic, but in the era of the Tim Burton Batman movies, this is actually not a huge kicker. It's honestly amazing that the movie was given this much to work with, a 90 Million dollar budget in 95 for a Superhero flick. If only it were enough to save the film. It honestly hurts it a little. We are supposed to believe that the world is lawless and dismal but the technology is so sleek and beautiful and the sets are emaculate when they aren't occasionally shooting out sparks. Honestly, it seems like a utopia with occasional riots. Nothing seems lived in but everything seems new.

Best Effect: ABC, That's How Easy Love Can Be

Ricos Robot, the ABC Warrior, was just eye candy, and it wasn't without competition. I also really loved the Goopy Janus Judges and the Egg Timer Cannibal Cyborg. If this movie leaned more into it's insanity it would probably have a better reputation. It's a shame that most people will skip this film on reputation alone. The plot is mind numbing, inconsistent, and dumb, but the effects like the ABC Warrior I could watch by themselves for hours. It's a cartoon, but damn if it's not a great looking cartoon.

Best Character: Officer Her-She (cuz she's a girl duh!)

In a movie that doesn't realize it's trying to get us to sympathize for a bunch of fascist totalitarians, or is trying hard to get us to ignore that fact, a villain like Rico is actually hard to hate. He has a line that says "you gave up your life to embrace the law, I gave up the law to embrace life". It really seems like I'm Team Rico here. But he didn't want freedom, he just wanted to be a different kind of monster. For that reason, I think Hershey is really the stand out character here. She's the only competent Judge, she makes reasonable decisions, and even though she seems to be Stallone's love interest, this movie does very little to diminish her to that role, or to exploit the actress. For a movie like this that is saying a lot. The only time this film doesn't suck is when Hershey is on screen or a cool practical effect is happening.

Best Kill: Tis But A Flesh Wound

I wish someone would have killed Rob Schneider, but unfortunately that didn't happen. There is a pretty cool kill where the ABC Warrior picks apart a corrupt Judge like a troubled kid does to a random bug. I guess since that had some blood and stuff we'll call it even.

Best Set Piece: Jailhouse Rocks

There are many vast and impressive sets throughout this film, but the one that really stuck out to me was Rico's cell. The wall mounted turrets getting featured instead of just being static objects stuck to the wall was one of those extra little steps that makes all the difference.

Worst Character: Rob Schneider is a Stapler? a Carrot? Annoying.

I didn't even learn Rob Schneider's characters name. But he's obnoxious. I learned that while filming Demolition Man, Stallone met Schneider and insisted he be in this film. It wouldn't have been all that bad had he done his piece and been left behind, but he clings to Dredd for most of the film. It's especially unbearable because several more likeable characters come back onto the scene to help Dredd but they are either killed or written away so that we can get more of Rob.

Worst Feature: It's a Dumb Movie for Kids

Judge Dredd is a case study in why we don't get cool effects heavy films anymore. Looking at Judge Dredd makes the Marvel Films look like cheap dookie. What I wouldn't give for some of these kinds of effects in an Iron Man or a Guardians of the Galaxy movie. Hopefully we will get some kind of compromise. But the writers, producers, and studio were not willing to take the property seriously enough to do their high budget justice. The plot of Judge Dredd is so stupid and the themes are so mismanaged that of course this movie is remembered as a piece of shit. It's reasons like this that no one will take chances on a big budget practical effects film anymore.

Summary

Judge Dredd is confused. There are ways that writers can make an audience root for a hero like Dredd even though he is absolutely representative of oppression, the way to do that is not to preach about how great the law is and how bad the poor people who are suffering under the boots of the judges are. You can't make the bad guys motive that he values freedom and individuality. Judge Dredd looks great, has backwards ass messaging, a very stupid script, and keeps insisting things via exposition rather than showing us in it's world building. It is a frustratingly difficult movie to buy into, but it's good qualities buy it enough good will to keep it out of the dumpster fire.

Overall Grade: D

[acertaincritic]

The Last Jedi - Opinion

To say that I have mixed feelings about this movie would be a serious understatement. I have a chaos in my head, a tangle of let-down hopes, pleasant surprises, and above all else, my inner critic’s ramblings. One thing I can say for sure – it’s better than “The Force Awakens”. But I guess it doesn’t tell you much, eh? Well, let’s try and unpack this mess, shall we?

Heavy spoilers under the cut.

But I mean it.

I. Do. Not. Hold. Back.

Where do we start when all the words fail us? How do we begin to describe the infinity? Eh, I don’t know. But for this movie, let’s start with all the good things, and then dive right into the bad stuff. Pretty much like “The Last Jedi” does.

So… Characters. I was surprised to find that I actually came to like Finn in this movie. He’s proactive, he’s heroic, he’s got motivation – a solid character now, that guy. Rose I liked too, and Poe, and of course good ol’ Leia. Luke was outstanding, and even more so Kylo Ren. Almost every character (see who’s missing?) got better by miles; I was sincerely afraid for some of them, and sad to see others go. Whoever was the screenwriter, they’re definitely praiseworthy.

Next. Special effects, camera work, music… But I don’t really have to list these, do I? What else do we expect from a high-budget Disney movie these days? Scene writing – and directing – was pretty good too. An example: we pick up with Rey just where she ended in the last movie: offering Anakin’s lightsaber to Luke on a forgotten island… He takes it, and then throws it away like nothing – brilliant! That’s the last thing the viewer expects, but at the very same, it aligns very well with Jedi’s ideal of not getting attached to things. To Luke, a Jedi Master, this lightsaber means nothing. It’s a little twist, but a twist that makes sense.

There’s plenty of other fun moments too. Luke teaching Rey the first lesson about the Force? With a blade of grass? I cracked a smile then, and at many other occasions too. Unfortunately, at some point creators seem to have got lost in the form, and stopped caring about the substance – more on that in a second.

Kylo-Rey talks. I loved it. Even more I loved the way Luke-Kylo past was revealed, complete with the little tweaks. When Luke first gives his lie about how he just went to Kylo to talk, this is what we see on screen – a memory he wants to remember. When it’s Kylo’s turn, we see Luke from his POV – a mad killer ready to strike. When we finally get to know the truth, we can see how both the versions came to be, and the whole picture makes an awful lot of sense.

Kylo and Rey vs Snoke. There are problems with this scene, undoubtedly, but overall I would be willing to forget them if not for what followed. Before that, though – the way Kylo killed Snoke was just perfect. I was holding my fingers crossed the entire sequence, and was not let down. Just. Why couldn’t the movie end right then and there?

That would be this. All the pleasant surprises listed above. Should I let my inner critic speak now? And heck, he has a lot to say…

Troublesome worldbuilding and inconsistencies

This is something that I care the least for, when compared to the other stuff, but it’s still a huge problem. See, there are things in this movie that just don’t make sense, or render the past actions laughable. The most obvious thing – destroying a super big imperial ship by jumping into hyperspace for a split of second, then dropping out of it. And I ask – if that’s possible, why didn’t we see any other character do it? Where’re the hyper-drive based missiles, why didn’t the Rebellion use this trick anytime before? Judging by the scale of destruction, they could’ve easily destroyed a Death Star with it – no need for a suicidal mission for a few dozens of pilots, let’s just send a single kamikaze. Bah, if a human can do it, then all the more a droid or a well-programmed computer. We see the ball take control of an imperial walker after all, why can’t it steer a ship as well? No need for anyone to die, let’s just keep building droids and ships with hyper-drive… Oh no, actually, the Empire can do it as well! Look how funny the battle scenes look now – like two fleets of comets raining against each other. Well.

Time flow is another serious problem. We know that the plot is supposed to take 18 hours – and yet Rey manages not only to spend at least a day on Luke’s planet (it feels like much longer), but also to return to the Rebellion in time for her facedown with Snoke and Kylo. What happened? Previously, even travelling by hyperspace took long hours; now it functions like teleportation.

There’re many other problems like this, and I’m sure you’ll find science nerds to list ‘em all. I’ll stop at this – I believe you see the point. And, like I said, this is the least of the problems.

The Force and its philosophy

Long story short, the Force is pretty much omnipotent right now. The sky is the limit! No, wait, actually, the sky is but a little obstacle… After all, Luke’s got no problems fighting Kylo through the Force when he’s in some faraway point of the galaxy. The creators were careful enough not to show us any actual map, but even assuming that they were barely a system away, these are still light years apart. Even in the Prequel Trilogy, for all its flashy somersaults and prophetic dreams, Force Users were not wizards. They could fall to the fire of a few blasters, and they weren’t able to do much against a full unit of fighters. But here? Who cares! Everything can be done, starting with reading one’s entire mind, finishing at surviving in the vacuum for long minutes and even levitating to safety. Basically Jedi are the new Superman of the galaxy, ugh.

Don’t get me wrong. I like magic, and I like the concept of the Force as something more mystical than just ‘microorganisms living in one’s body’. Previously I was often irritated that the characters don’t use it as often as they could, or that they do something outstanding one moment to forget about it twenty minutes later. But here? Here the creators went over the top, then climbed up the Mount Everest, and then decided that they’re still too low. The perfect balance of Force abilities I found in “The Rebels” seasons one and two – here it’s completely broken.

Speaking about the balance… the philosophy is a problem as well. It’s clearly established that the balance of the Force means both the Dark Side and the Light Side. That when there’s great light, there’s also great darkness. The problem is, it doesn’t make sense. If that was the balance, then what about the Chosen One? Why would Jedi wait for him, knowing that he would have to destroy them? Bah, is there any sense fighting for the Light then? We know for sure that the evil will only rise again, because ~balance~. What kind of message is that?

See, previously, the balance of the Force was the Light Side. The Jedi’s philosophy was to surrender to the will of the Force, to preserve harmony. The Dark Side, on the other hand, was extracting your will over the Force. Literally forcing events to go your way. This was why Jedi had various colors of lightsabers, and the Sith only red. This was why Sith’s eyes would change color – to reflect that what they were doing wasn’t natural. Bah, eventually their bodies would rot and turn ugly, distorted. The Light Side Users didn’t suffer that.

Now it’s all over the place. And it doesn’t make sense. Honestly, I never found the idea of surrendering to an outside will compelling, but at least it was consisted and provided a great explanation as to why the Sith are evil, and the Jedi good. Sure, you can say that the Jedi Order eventually rotted and let Darth Sidious rise – but it was because of their complacency and tendency to choose meddling in the politics over guarding the galaxy, not because something was inherently wrong with their philosophy. Now it’s because it was necessary for the balance, apparently.

Structure problems

Putting the clumsy worldbuilding aside, the first two-thirds of the movie are really great. The characters get development. We learn about what happened between Luke and Kylo. Kylo and Rey are having their strange conversations, really enjoyable to watch and adding depth to both of them. Then their showdown with Snoke – and what a twist, Kylo kills his evil master in a clever moment of badassery. And the fight! And Finn and Rose get captured! And the rebel ships are being destroyed one by one! But eventually Kylo and Rey win – what a great finale!

Just that… it’s not the finale yet. There’s another twist – Kylo’s not good after all, he killed his master only to take his place! And the imperial ship got cut in half by a kamikaze attack, so Finn and Rose have to run away ASAP! And the rebels reach their old base, hurray! What a great fina–

No, wait! The baze is now under attack by Kylo! And nobody responds to the rebels’ call for help, and they’re trapped inside, they have to destroy the big-ass cannon that the imperials have brought, and Finn is ready to commit suicide to do so, what a great f–

But wait! Finn is saved by Rose, and Luke suddenly comes for the rescue, now he’s facing against Kylo, and–

Do you see it? There’s no finale in this movie. There’re a good few sequences that would work very well as the finale, if they stood alone. But they don’t – they come one by one, with little to no break in between. The first one’s great, the second a surprise, but the third is tiresome, and the fourth straight-out irritating. You just can’t hold your viewer on the edge for so long – they want a conclusion, not an endless cycle of ‘they almost made it but...’ And I must say, the twists are very cheap too. No foreshadowing whatsoever, no satisfaction when they happen – all save the Snoke scene. Why the creators didn’t decide to go through with what the story was clearly building up to is beyond me. It was perfect, it was interesting, it was against the tropes – and yet they turned around in the last moment. It’s like an overly elaborate matryoshka doll. You unpack a layer after a layer, at first interested but then progressively more annoyed, hoping to finally find the last, whole doll – but in the end there’s nothing inside, just empty air.

Seriously, I felt like the creators were jumping at me from behind the corner, crying, ‘Surprise!’, in their childish belief thinking that they are being clever. But you can laugh at a cheap trick like this once, twice, maybe even thrice – then you’ll find that you’ve had enough. You don’t want every corner to be a playground for the insistent kid. Pulling things out of your ass is not a plot twist.

Just too many unfulfilled promises. After this crazy ride, we ended up just where we started, with a very cliche ending. I can’t even express how massively disappointed I am.

Rey

When I was a child, I dreamt of a female Jedi, you know? I imagined countless little stories of kinda-my-insert training, and eagerly pinpointed female Jedi among the fallen ones in the “Revenge of the Sith” to prove to myself that it was possible.

Nevertheless, Rey is by far the worst Star Wars lead I have ever seen.

She’s nothing. She has no character at all. No writing, no backstory, no motivation to be a hero. Luke wanted to be a Jedi because he wanted to be like his father – and then he had to grow and mature when he discovered his father’s true identity. Rey doesn’t grow, doesn’t mature. You can’t grow something that is nonexistent in the first place.

Why did Rey help Finn and the rebels in “The Force Awakens”? Even Rose has her reasons – she gives us a story of how Empire destroyed her home planet. But what did Empire do to Rey? Nothing. It was her parents who left her on Jakku as a slave. Sure, she wanted to be free, have adventures, just like Luke. But she didn’t have to join rebellion for that. She could’ve just left them once she got off Jakku, become a smuggler, bah, an imperial officer even. Why not?

To Luke, Empire was what killed his father. He wanted revenge, in some extent, I’m certain. Sure, that conviction turned out to be false – but he didn’t know about it when he left Tatooine with Obi-Wan and Han Solo. Rey doesn’t have a motivation. There’s just this weak ‘because everybody can see that Empire is EVUIL, mwhahaha.’ But really, this is a meta reason and as such, should not be considered at all. We as the audience can see it – Rey cannot.

Worse, even. In the second movie, Luke had to face his own Dark Side. First in the cave, where he failed, then in the form of Darth Vader who turned out to be his father – the man Luke had strived to imitate. He thought that it meant becoming a hero, just to discover that he was so, oh so wrong. But at this point he had grown close with the rebellion, with Leia and Han. He had other reasons to fight.

Rey didn’t change in this movie. What was the point of her cave scene? She went in there, saw some funny vision, and went out. No shock, nothing learned. ‘But, Critic,’ you may say, ‘she had an arc this time – she wanted to find out who her parents are!’

No. Just no. Yes, it was mentioned several times, but it was also 100% superficial. It was as if the creators realized that hey, our protagonist is completely bland, we need to give her something – and decided that of course, searching for her parents would be the right thing. Luke had something similar, right? The problem is, this searching in no way reflects in Rey’s actions.

Had it really been an integral part of Rey’s character, she would have taken Kylo’s hand.

Why not? She supposedly struggled to accept the truth that her parents were nobody, that they sold her and then died somewhere away, that they didn’t want her – and here’s the guy that does want her, that begs her to join him. Why shouldn’t she take his offer? From what she knew, Luke abandoned his mission and preferred staying on his tiny island to saving the galaxy. Why shouldn’t she join Kylo, who had just saved her from Snoke, with whom she had faced against multiple opponents?

There’s only one reason – because it’s not what heroes do. But Rey has no reason to be a hero! Bah, she didn’t even need to learn from anybody, she was a perfect good girl from the start. She’s the one lecturing Luke about his duties, not the other way round. Even Yoda states that she already knows what it means to be a Jedi. How? Why? How dare you ask! She’s super powerful because, uhm, ah… I know! Because balance! Because when Dark Kylo grows stronger, then so does Rey, because she’s his counterpart in the Light.

Don’t you find it ironic? The creators pretty much admitted that Kylo was the one who did all the heavy lifting. Rey’s power isn’t something she achieved – she was given it by the Force for the sake of ill-understood balance, because Kylo worked hard to grow more powerful.

Blah. And the creators probably congratulate themselves on writing a strong female lead. How condescending can you get? I want a female Jedi as the lead – but I want a female Jedi who is a character, not a mere plot device with a ‘woman’ slapped on the back as her only characteristic. I’ll eagerly wait for one – right now, I can only turn to “Clone Wars” and Ahsoka.

That would be all. I’m pretty sure that I missed plenty of things – but I feel fulfilled nonetheless. Thank you for reading so far, and may the Salt be with you. Always.

[wobblyfet]

The Definitive Ranking of Villainous Pokémon Teams

With USUM just coming out and Team Rainbow Rocket being a thing, I thought I’d dig up a ranking I started a while ago!

7. Team Flare

Look, those outfits are snazzy. There’s no denying that. But… who the hell are these people? What’s their goal as a team of villains?

I mean, Lysandre talks about creating a more beautiful world because he thinks humanity is dumb. The qualifiers for what a more beautiful world exactly are is never made particularly clear, just that this involves the purging of everyone not in Team Flare. He gets a bit of backstory about having a genuine savior complex turned into radical disillusionment, but it doesn’t really cover how murky his goals are here. Like, what exactly is he objecting to about the ugliness of the world? Does he want to wipe out much of the world’s ecosystem with the laser beam of doom in their headquarters or just people? How does that work? And what is Team Flare?

I’m not sure at all what the organization of the rest of this team is. The grunt dialogue suggests getting in is quite expensive, and some of them seem pretty caught up in this whole beautiful world business. There’s suggestion Flare membership is kind of an issue of status. Much of both Lysandre’s and general dialogue about it do sort of resemble the dialogue from real world radical organizations, but the problem here is that radical ideologies tend to have a deeper surface rationale than what Team Flare’s deal is. They care about class elitism while also wanting to destroy what makes the world economy, and I don’t really know why these people would be more invested in genocide than, say, aggressively running a fashion line or a country club.

The problem for me probably boils down to how little depth this team is given. The grunts are just sort of there, admins are indistinguishable, and nobody has really any characterization except Lysandre and Malva, and even that’s pretty murky. Because of that, they fall flat as antagonists.

One thing I did like about them as villains: how Lysandre uses the Holo-Caster to spread his message. Having him pop up between videochatting your friends to monologue about purity and cleansing was genuinely disquieting. In this day and age, abruptly revealing that this world’s equivalent of a smartphone is actually a vehicle for ideological evil is intimidating and relevant.

Though, I gotta say, a Pokémon game is really not the place for Holocaust puns. Boo on that.

 6. Team Aqua

These guys are the only ones to seriously rival Team Flare’s stupidity. To begin with, looking at the original games, the whole hook of “More water! Yay environments for Water Pokémon!” is really bizarre in the context of a villainous team on Hoenn. Hoenn is a goddamn island, and at that one that is already thoroughly integrated with the sea. Why there would be enough radical water lovers in this area to warrant any a whole group obsessed with expansionism is kind of beyond me.

I do like that how the remakes broadened both Aqua and Magma’s motives, but… remixed Team Aqua is still incredibly dumb. They’re a radical group in defense of wronged Pokémon, which is cool, but the answer is to destroy the world and restore it to another primordial state? What? I’m no expert in environmental science but I’m pretty sure something like that would, like, definitely wipe out most Pokémon, including the ones that live in the sea. A questionable goal for a group purportedly all about saving wronged Pokémon.

And what’s the long-term plan here for the rest of the group? Is this destruction of the world like a death pact for the members or what?

Archie is entertaining, but let’s be real, he’s also pretty lame. Going so far as to recruit a potentially suicidal eco-terrorist cult only to chicken out when a big whale starts to make it rain is kind of pathetic.

Things that win Team Aqua villain points: fleshed out and entertaining characters in Archie, Shelly, and Matt. Also, pirates are cool.

 5. Team Galactic

I feel like Team Galactic started the trend in Pokémon games of there being apocalyptic stakes with the villains. A good Pokémon villainous team doesn’t really need to be world-destroying to work well as bad guys, as I’ll elaborate on below. That said, I would still put a big gap between Galactic and the bottom two teams, and I do generally like these guys.

Cyrus wants to create a new universe without pesky things like spirit or feelings. This makes enough sense for a villainous team in the context of Sinnoh, where a person can capture deities of space and time in Pokéballs. And I also quite like how the game contextualizes Cyrus as a villain of emotional abuse in his childhood- not to say this excuses him, but it adds a nice bit of depth.

Like the last two villainous teams, I have some questions about how exactly Cyrus’s goals translate to an ideology for an entire team of mooks, or, more importantly, how such a wet blanket of a leader convinced a legion of followers to run around Sinnoh in those embarrassing spacesuits. It’s never made super clear what the rest of Team Galactic is hoping to get out of the deal, but unlike Team Flare or Team Aqua, it’s easier to headcanon a large group of people being enticed by holding positions of power in a new world where, without any spirit, people and Pokémon might easily function as slaves.

Another thing I like: Cyrus’s eventual fate in the distortion world. No redemption, no dramatic downfall scene, just him eerily ranting about his ambitions as he wanders off into the netherworld. It’s creepy and sad, and fitting ending to his saga.

Overall, I don’t have strong feelings one way or the other about Team Galactic. It’s satisfactorily developed but comparatively not as interesting as other bad guys in this franchise.

Those team spacesuits, though. There’s no explanation for that.

 4. Team Magma

Look, this team suffers from a lot of the issues that their counterparts do. Namely, the way Maxie and his team just kind of fuck off very quickly after awakening Groudon. It’s sort of ridiculous to go so far to advance your villainous team only to give up so quickly. But, other than that, Team Magma is so much better.

To be fair, in the original Gen III games, their motives are pretty thin. However, for the same reasons Team Aqua doesn’t make much sense, Team Magma does. Hoenn is a tropical island in the middle of the sea that demands travelling through the sea and jungle to get anywhere. Hell, I spend enough time facing Wingulls and Tentacools on water routes and I’m ready to sign up. Or take a Team Magma pamphlet, at least.

I kid, but that’s mostly why I like Magma’s expanded motives in the remakes so much. In a world that’s obsessed with accommodating Pokémon and keeping balance with the environment, a reactionary group obsessed with human expansionism makes for realistic bad guys. And expanding land for development at the cost of the ecosystem is exactly what a group like that in Hoenn would focus on. To be clear, none of this is to say that Team Magma is condonable, or that Pokémon’s pro-environmentalist message is somehow a bad thing- it’s just that in this context, Team Magma would be one of the most plausible villainous organizations to come up.

I also quite like Team Magma’s characters. Maxie is a cool customer and exactly the type of smug asshole you’d expect to present an environmentally-unfriendly development plan at the corporate meeting, and Tabitha and Courtney are quite amusing. Updated Courtney in particular is weirdly charming, and I kind of hope we see more of her. And even though I just whined about how easily Maxie turns around and changes his mind, I don’t really think a redemptive ending for them is necessarily a bad thing. Isn’t an ending like that what most of us are trying to get from the Maxies of the real world driving our planet to ruin?

Anyways, if Magma started looking into building eco-friendly bridges across those damn water routes, I’d totally take a pamphlet. Just saying.

 3. Team Rocket/Neo Team Rocket

Team Rocket! The OG villainous team! And easily still the most iconic, over twenty years later now. They invented the Pokémon villainous team, and they surely deserve some props for that. That’s the whole reason Giovanni’s coming back as the leader of the super-villains, right? (I have some qualms about this, but more on that later)

Nostalgic factors aside, I think Team Rocket works quite well as an antagonistic force. I just praised Team Magma for being possibly the most realistic villainous team in the Pokémon world, but I really think that dubious honor should go to Rocket. These guys don’t want to end the world or build a new universe or anything like that; they see simple profit in Pokémon and are totally willing to go after that, whatever the cost. And with that, they’re able to function on a large scale and do terrible things.

Even without threatening the Pokémon world with apocalyptic aims, for my money they’re still demonstrably scarier than any other evil team in the series. Yes, Team Rocket will actually murder that Cubone’s mother, and they will mutilate those Slowpokes for profit, and they will mess up Magikarps with freaky radio wave experiments. For that reason, Rocket plots are more memorable than like anything else in the series.

And, like any evil organization worth its butter, they won’t fucking die. They’ll be reorganizing and spreading their tendrils to the underbelly of Johto and the Sevii Islands and now Alola. It’s totally plausible to me that a mafia with an eye for exploitative profit would have more lasting power than any of those other cults and become the villains of the Pokémon world.

They’re only at #3, though, and that’s because of one thing: Giovanni makes very little sense as a big bad boss.

I mean, he’s the shadowy kingpin of Kanto’s criminal underworld, and a gym leader? Isn’t a gym leader’s entire job to be a public official/stepping stone for up and coming trainers in the league? I’ve seen the meme of the one dude in Viridian City musing on the mystery of the gym leader while standing right next a sign that says “GYM LEADER: GIOVANNI”, but really, that’s actually, that’s a really strange problem for the team.

Because really, why would Giovanni think it’s a good idea to run a criminal syndicate from inside an establishment that literally asks for kids to come in and beat him, and then when it happens, be all like “Welp, that’s it for my criminal empire. Time to fuck off to the mountains.” It’s easily the most inexplicable downfall in the series.

I’m not sure why Neo Team Rocket in Johto wanted this guy back so desperately. And I know he’s leading Team Rainbow Rocket because he’s the most iconic legacy villain and all, but let’s be real, all those leaders probably could’ve picked someone more competent to be the evil superboss.

 2. Team Plasma/Neo Team Plasma

If I were in the Pokémon world and didn’t have the luxury of a video game screen’s distance, I would probably have some serious moral qualms about the whole catching, training, and battling system. I mean, like, PETA’s response to the Pokémon franchise is over the top and unintentionally funny, but the ethics of how you train Pokémon the only way the games let you is a fair thing to consider. Would the Pokémon world be better off without gyms and Pokéballs, really?

That’s the main reason I like Team Plasma. Their premise is more ideologically compelling than any of the other teams. Because, really, in the first four generations there’s a lot talked up about bonding between Pokémon and trainers and how the two built up the world through cooperation, but there’s really not much to indicate that this exchange is demonstrably preferable to Pokémon whose best interests might not, you know, involve forcible abductions and battling until passing out. Having a villainous team like Team Plasma let the franchise address this question in a thoughtful way, and I dig it.

It also let the Team Plasma grunts be some of the most gloriously awful hypocrites in the franchise. I still remember how absolutely infuriating it was to have all these twerps show up and obstruct me with Pokémon battles while getting all self-righteous about how battling this way was wrong, and how much I hated them all even though they had a valid point. I dig that too. A mix like that can be an ideal recipe for a good antagonist.

What really sells me on Team Plasma, though, is the family drama backing it all. N is great every time he shows up, with all his cryptic dialogue and struggles to do right by the creatures he loves. Pokémon never really had an anti-villain before and he was perfect for games as much about moral ambiguity and balance as Black and White were. Having someone intimately connected to Pokémon and their needs (I remember the chills I got when you first go in his room and see all the scratched-up toys) makes him ideal to communicate the message that good trainer-Pokémon relationships are a healthy reciprocal exchange where a trainer ideally pays attention to the needs of their Pokémon. It’s a nice message.

N adding moral ambiguity to the game is great, but the drop of Ghetsis as the true mastermind is a good one too. The extent of Ghetsis’s manipulation of N was damn chilling, and silly robe or not, adding the personal touch cements him as one of the most solidly awful main bad guys in the series. Child abuse is sort of a running theme in this franchise, and I oddly appreciate much of the way it’s featured- I mean, I don’t like it, but it’s a literary appreciation. In the case of Black and White, framing an ethical struggle of how to do right by your Pokémon against someone brutally exploiting that struggle for the sake of a power grab was effective.

(as an aside, I didn’t much care for the reveal that N wasn’t Ghetsis’s biological son. I feel like the game sort of treated the reveal as a “Guess what? Ghetsis wasn’t your legitimate father all along!” which isn’t great, since whether or not a child has blood relationship to their caretaker doesn’t actually have any bearing on said caretaker’s impact and moral responsibility as a guardian, and pretending otherwise reinforces a harmful message that adoptive parents aren’t somehow “real” parents. Not super important but it’s just a little thing that bothers me)

Team Plasma’s second appearance is honestly less memorable to me than the first, but I dig the whole team evolution and split between Ghetsis’s power grabby followers and N’s good-hearted followers. It gives the saga of Team Plasma a legacy development we’ve really only seen otherwise with Neo Team Rocket in Johto, albeit with a more epic bent.

The big unanswered questions- how the hell did Team Plasma end up a weird religious monarchy? (And who the hell are Anthea and Concordia?) I feel like demanding more practical details of the running of all these evil organizations than a game for children is realistically going to give us is a running theme in this ranking, but I care about these things, dammit.

 1. Team Skull/Aether Foundation

When I first made this ranking about a year ago, I gave first place to the Sun and Moon antagonists then too, but I wondered if it was recency bias speaking. But after a year of being less wrapped up in Gen VII than I was then, I can look back and say that these guys are the definitive #1 villainous Pokémon team. I make this announcement seriously and with perfect objectivity on the matter. No questioning or dissenting opinions will be tolerated in this house, silly nit.

I kid, of course. This is just an opinion-based list I wrote for my own amusement. But that said, I do think the antagonists this game gave us are easily a cut above everyone else on this list, just with what speaks to me.

Team Skull, to begin with, is everything. Everything from their designs to their dialogue to the way Alola treats them like a giant joke really feels like these guys were crafted with a lot of affection for them. They’re perfect for the Gen VII games because, like much else, it’s goofy and self-aware and just plain fun. I’ve seen footage of the grunt reacting in horror over you getting to say you don’t remember who they are several times now and it’s still hilarious.

But also like much of Gen VII in general, it swings back around with a surprising amount of depth. The more time you spend talking with grunts, you get more and more of the sense of a lost and displaced group of people turning with their comrades on a society that doesn’t have a place for them. A lot of this is framed around the failure in the Island Challenge, but really, it’s not hard to read more into all the possible reasons the Skull kids could have turned to crime than that, right? (and even if you just leave it at that, I do sort of wonder sometimes about how much value the Pokémon world puts on someone’s strength as a trainer. It seems like it might be a somewhat limiting way to run things, to say the least, but that’s a discussion for another day)

Anyways, Team Skull resonates with me for the same reasons that Magma and Rocket do- it’s a not inaccurate depiction of what kind of evil organizations would appear in a world that resembles our own. What many of the Skullsters describe reflects real life gang psychology remarkably well. The world doesn’t want you, because the normal standards (the Island Challenge) are too high, perhaps on top of not having food or money or being shut out socially for any number of bullshit reasons. But the gang has your back, and it’s gonna provide AND stand with you against the world. Hence the perpetuation of crime culture even when “better” life choices are there, and the emphasis on belonging and group loyalty. The way the story frames Team Skull along those lines gives you another totally plausible villainous group, but unlike Rocket or Magma, it does it in a way that frequently plays on your empathy.

Don’t get me wrong here, I definitely do not mean to paint Team Skull as a bunch of poor lil’ woobies who turned to crime because they had no agency to be better people. They’re still the villains here, after all. We see plenty in game of all the ways they’re earnestly terrible to Alolans, from generally being obnoxious punkasses who get in your way to vandalizing to stealing children’s pets to taking over Po Town. As funny as it is, I’m not totally sure why the denizens of Alola are as unconcerned with Team Skull as they are; taking over an entire goddamn town is nothing to sneeze at.

It’s just… surprisingly nuanced, is all. Team Skull can be a bunch of weenies, genuinely threatening, and have a kind of a tragic reality underneath it all at the same time. Walking through the barricaded ruins of Po Town, across all the belligerent patrollers or members just sitting in the rain, is eerie for more reasons than one.

Boss Guzma encapsulates all of it pretty well. He’ll gloriously ham things up every time he’s on screen, and he’ll bully anyone in his way, but the game also gives him some backstory and, eventually, room to express his standards and prove that he’s really not beyond redemption here. Because getting caught up in Lusamine’s sinister plots really always came down to wanting personal validation and what’s best for his Skull kids, more than a core desire to watch the world burn from Ultra Space. (I might just be a sucker for the Even Evil Has Standards trope, but even so)

I also love the moment where Plumeria decides to help you. It’s not a moment of redemption in the sense that she’s seen the light and decided to stop being a punk. Her MO doesn’t ever change at all; she fights you because she wants to protect her kids, and she comes to your side because she wants to protect her kids.

I love everything about Team Skull, but they’re only half the equation. Sun and Moon also gave us the Aether Foundation. Hoo boy.

Lusamine is my favorite main antagonist in the series. For my money, she’s easily the scariest. And not just because she fucking froze her favorite Pokémon in ice to admire them at her leisure forever. I mean holy fuck what was that and was anyone expecting a scene that horrifying in a game like this. But anyways… (shudders)

Lusamine is intimidating first because of the way she wraps herself in a veneer of civility and benevolence. I mean, it’s true that she gives off creepy vibes from the introduction, just like Lysandre, but the difference lies in just how much the Aether Foundation embodies the qualities of Pokémon Good Guys we know so well at this point. They want to protect the ecosystem and, for Lusamine, it comes from a place of love. But it takes a while to figure out just how messed up that understanding of love is.

Lusamine’s love bubble is about what she can control, and when what she loves deviates from her expectations, she reacts with physical and emotional violence. Because underneath it all, she’s an astonishingly selfish person who puts her loved ones in danger by association. She treats her love for vulnerable parties as a tactic to mold them into whatever she wants, even to horrifying ends (permafreezing Pokémon who probably loved and trusted their trainer), and treats love as a commodity that can be withheld as a punishment and an excuse for doing whatever she wants in retribution. She can take advantage of Team Skull, and more horrifically, Nebby and her children, and eventually end up at critical self-indulgence in Ultra Space because all the world has failed to meet her impossible standards for love and therefore deserves to be razed by her deadly interdimensional pet jellyfish.

I mentioned in the last entry how child abuse is something of a running theme in the Pokémon franchise, and Lusamine brings the most intimate and thoughtful depiction of it yet. It winds up with Gladion lost and caught up with criminals he doesn’t even like associating with and turns cold. Lillie ends up working very hard, by way of new positive social bonds, to overcome the complexes association with her mother forced into her. In the end, both get to symbolically save themselves and stand up to Lusamine’s abuse. It touched me in a place I would have never expected a series like Pokémon to reach.

Lusamine is the fucking worst, but… I appreciated how the games even gave her backstory and space for empathy, too. The lady had a hard deal herself, and after losing your partner that way, it’s understandable that someone would end up obsessed with control and selective about love. She’s still terrible, mind you, but it’s worth seeing where something like that is coming from. And also, I really appreciated that even when her kids are breaking free and standing up, how they still sort of love each other. I loved Lillie’s monologue on Exeggutor Island about how her mother wasn’t all bad all the time, and they have good memories. It’s a realistic outcome for abuse victims to think that way, really. Lusamine’s concept of love is horrifying and unconstructive, and the fact Lillie loves her isn’t going to stop her from resisting her mother’s mind games, and the mere existence of familial love between them isn’t going to come close to fixing just how much in the wrong Lusamine is, but it’s there. It’s more unexpected thoughtfulness it would have been easy not to include, and I’m very glad it’s there.

I also love how Lusamine, like N, addresses in a meta sense some of the moral quandaries the format of Pokémon lends itself to. Because yeah, realistically, the average player is going to be kind of similar to Lusamine- we see Pokémon as ideally under our control and as decorative collectibles to be frozen in the game file indefinitely when we don’t need them anymore. And just like Lusamine, our reaction to seeing a brand new interdimensional jellyfish of doom (or the like) is going to be “I’ve got to get that.” The value of an antagonist like Lusamine is to show how this way of playing Pokémon absolutely cannot be extended to your living, real life relationships.

If I have one criticism of the Skull/Aether coalition as bad guys, it’s probably that the rest of the Aether Foundation is rather opaque. One minute they’ll be serving the wholesome environmentalist mission, and the next they’ll be attacking you with evil grins under Lusamine’s orders. Exactly how much the members knew about and were chill with Lusamine’s secret agendas or how this was dealt with after her downfall was never something that was really addressed.

(Also, screw Wicke. That woman was clearly aware of both how Lusamine was abusing her kids and the shady things the foundation was up to, and why it was wrong, but she still supported it all by working as an Aether executive. I would have hoped you’d get to kick her oily butt like you do with Faba to teach her a lesson about passive complacency in evil activities, or at least see her get a verbal slap on the wrist, but apparently not)

Overall, though, I have a hard time nitpicking when the good parts are so thoughtful and meaningful to me. It’s with this that I’m proud to declare these the top baddies! Woo!

Anyways, that’s it for the definitive ranking! I had fun with this. Will Rainbow Rocket be more or less the sum of its parts? I can’t wait to find out!

[movieswithkevin27]

Ghost in the Shell

For a film about a brain that gets put into a terrorist fighting robot, Rupert Sanders' Ghost in the Shell sure is dull and conventional. Blowing the budget on special effects and a beautiful score, Ghost in the Shell apparently could not spare a dime for an overhauled script that was not so pale, cliche, and run-of-the-mill. A classic tale of a dedicated-to-the-law hero who slowly discovers that everything they thought was true is not true, the bad guy is actually good, and those helping them are actually the bad ones, Ghost in the Shell feels impeccably shallow, forgettable, and shockingly boring. While a visual splendor at every turn, Ghost in the Shell's success is skin deep with no beating heart to keep its blood pumping and no charm to be found whatsoever in this science fiction action film.

As I have never watched the anime or manga or whatever the film is based on, I came into this one without any pre-conceived notion as to what it should look and feel like. Yet, I nonetheless came away wholly underwhelmed. Horrifically edited, chopped up, and dumped at about 90 minutes long, Ghost in the Shell is a film that hints at many different topics, but is never actually given a chance to explore them. As she is a woman killed by a malevolent organization and then used by that organization to advance their cause in the body of a robot, the film could have a lot of things to say about identity, politics, and be used as a critique of governmental control of a country. Yet, none of these are given any measure of depth. Instead, the lazy and nonsensical writing of the plot leaves these items as backdrops to beautiful effects, forgetting to actually provide the film with any measure of depth in its story. Comfortable being a passable and forgettable shoot 'em up action flick with cliches throughout, Ghost in the Shell feels as though it is a studio product built to suppress the interesting ideas clearly envisioned in the source material in favor of making it more commercially viable. By the end, it is clear that this is not Ghost in the Shell, but rather something inspired by it that entirely misses the point of its source material. It is a live-action remake without heart or soul that feels as though it is nothing more than an ill-advised cash grab attempt.

The aforementioned issues with the editing are really what waylays this film. Much like 2016’s Suicide Squad, there a lot of interesting ideas and themes that get tossed at the wall in Ghost in the Shell. However, very little actually winds up sticking. Instead, it gets lost in a film that feels chopped up and wholly misguided. At a tight 90 minutes, Ghost in the Shell could have been a cohesive and smart action science fiction film. Unfortunately, at a loose 90 minutes, Ghost in the Shell is a longer film crammed into a shorter running time that still tries to accomplish all of the same goals and messaging as a longer film. Thus, Ghost in the Shell is one of those films that tries to do too much in a short timeframe, never giving any of it the proper depth. This is truly exemplified when the film finally jumps into the plotting in the second half. Speeding through without trying to remain a cohesive piece, Ghost in the Shell has to resort to having characters just come out and explain things that would be shown or revealed in a different fashion in other, better films. Instead, here, everybody seems willing to just spill the beans and say exactly what the mysterious project that created Major and others was really all about. After years of covering it all up, it is amazing what the realization that the film is about to end can do to a character’s motivation to explain what happened. In stark contrast, the first half takes its time and really tries to pace itself before everything just hits the fan in the second half with the film stumbling out of control, desperately trying to end in time while covering as much ground as possible. Ghost in the Shell is a film that, when it ends, you wonder where the rest of the movie went.

The film’s storyline really does not do the film’s strengths any justice either whatsoever. Largely about a new program that puts human brains into robot bodies to make warriors, Ghost in the Shell ditches its heady ideas about augmentation and then blending of human with mechanical in favor of becoming just another film about cover-ups. On the surface, it could be interesting with the mysterious Kuze (Michael Pitt) infecting robots and using them to kill the scientists on some highly secretive project. A compelling character given a strong rendition by Pitt, Kuze winds up just being a character with a vengeance that is being hunted by the people who are actually evil, who use the unwitting Major to do their bidding. Revealing he is actually good and there to help Major, only to die seconds later, Ghost in the Shell is a lazily written and unimaginative film with a derivative and dull plot that just happens to be set in an extravagant and futuristic world. It refuses to take chances, instead opting for this safe cover-up angle with a cliché militaristic bad guy, a misunderstood opponent who is actually good, and a few hardcore yet goofy sidekicks along the for the ride with Major. For a film that hints at so many undercurrents that seems compelling on the surface, but winds up reverting to tired clichés for both plot and character development that renders the film as one that has nothing under the skin.

Shockingly, the film's action is equally ineffectual. The fight scenes are largely low-key, unimaginative, and not particularly great either. The final climactic battle scene with Major getting helped by Kuze does not really work either. The choreography is certainly a major issue with these fight scenes, as it never really seems to flow or actually look appealing. However, the fight scenes also feel exceedingly dull. There is no anticipation or climactic release found in these, instead suffering from the same crisis faced by Marvel superhero films: the fight scenes exist not to tell a story or be visually stunning, but just look cool. As Major rips a thing open and loses her arm in the process, it is hard to not see this as a hollow expression of the film's own shallow intentions. Though its visuals largely stun with intricate designs, the fight scenes themselves are not similarly inspired, instead just hollow re-creations of better action scenes in film that feel as though they know the beats and how it should look, but lack the punch, thrill, and excitement to actually work in their own right.

One area of this film that is largely a source of conflict for my own opinion is the acting. Led by Scarlett Johansson, Ghost in the Shell lacks a charismatic lead to really come off smoothly, but whether or not that is fair to criticize due to Johansson playing a robot is up for debate. Her emotions and movements are incredibly robotic, showing that she really did get that down well, but it is not particularly different than how she usually acts. For a woman cast as the action hero lead in many films, Johansson really lacks the charisma and charm to make these kinds of roles come off well, with Ghost in the Shell being a great example of this. That said, again, it may be intentional in this case. Thus, turning to her delivery, this is where Johansson really struggles. With a weak script that fails to develop the characters, the plot, or workable dialogue, it is hard to lay the blame entirely at her feet. However, Johansson is somebody who always acts like they are acting. She seems self-aware that she is an actress, which often greatly undermines her performance by it being stiff, rigid, and unconvincing. In this film, it kind of benefits her, but I have really yet to find a performance by her that I love.

Visually, the film is largely top-notch. The holograms floating around buildings are a weird touch that do not really work all that much, but otherwise, the film is incredibly gorgeous. Though perhaps not strictly necessary, Major splashing into a room through an all-glass window to kick some ass is a seriously stunning image. This neon-lit visual behemoth has been defended as a good film because of its visuals and it is hard to not see why that is the case. For those who value visuals above all else, Ghost in the Shell certainly delivers that in spades. Perhaps the highlight is a shot of a group of people on a boat in a pinkish blue light floating by on the water with the city skyline in the background. It is perhaps director Rupert Sanders' most inspired moment in the film. As a whole, much has been said about the film's visuals and it is hard to not praise them. There is a lot of neon in this film and, as always, it is a lot of different kinds of pretty. At some point, neon will not look so good, but that time is not yet. The incredible production design goes hand-in-hand with the great effects as the skyline and set pieces consistently deliver the goods with intricate designs that really turn into eye candy. The highlight there being the excellent sequence in which Major goes into the mind of one of the companion robots to see the infection it had. Dimly lit with winding tunnels, the design and visuals of the moment are more low-key than this film will be remembered for, but are nonetheless excellently put together.

That said, what really entices me to love this film is Clint Mansell. Perhaps one of the best composers working in Hollywood right now with The Fountain being his crowning achievement. His score in Ghost in the Shell sounds similar at times, especially with the awe-inspiring and hopeful beginning of this film as the robot form of Major rises out of a pool of liquid to be completed. The score hits some beautiful notes in that moment that both stand out on their own and greatly benefits that sequence, which is exactly what a score should do. Setting the tone and the scene perfectly throughout, Mansell's rapturous score meshes beautifully with the excellent visuals and effects that goes to solidify Ghost in the Shell as a technical masterpiece but a structural failure.

Beautiful visuals and an excellent Clint Mansell score notwithstanding, however, Rupert Sanders' Ghost in the Shell drops the ball. With horrifically paper-thin writing, disposable characters, bad and generic dialogue, shoddy editing that rushes through the rising action and climax, and iffy acting from Scarlett Johansson, there is not much to praise about this film beyond its visuals and score. Hinting at deeper ideas about identity and the dangers regarding artificial intelligence as it begins to mesh with humanity, Ghost in the Shell drops everything in the name of rushing through its finale with cliches abounding. Predictable, dull, and the very definition of shallow entertainment, Ghost in the Shell should have stayed in its shell.

[obiternihili]

I want to like ssc, but every time I go to the site to read stuff there's... something in the air that really rubs me the wrong way. And I'm not really confident in my ability to articulate it and definitely not in a way that would make ~respectable discourse~ or whatever it'd be called. Of course I'm gonna try because, ???, I'm a prick???

But it's like, not really that major anyways. Just maybe hopefully some insight to be had about people who don't like his writing style? I hope?

But like, if I tried to articulate it at all, he's too Sam Harris-y. That's something bad about EY, that's something bad about rationalists as a whole. That's something bad about para-rationalists as well, including fucking me so maybe I'm throwing stones. If you finish this, do please keep in mind that my opening paragraph is admitting that I don't really read him in a habitual aspect. Anyone can rub anyone else the wrong way and first impressions count for a disproportionate lot, even if it's multiple first impressions over a period of a few years. You can feed even a rational inference machine unrepresentative data, like the point of that post of mine that went viralish a little while ago But some Sam Harris-y traits:

We like to be married to our strawmen, even after it's been repeatedly explained to us that the strawman is (shockingly) not a good model of the inner motivations of the people we're criticizing. But unfortunately when you throw out strawmen, the most likely people to respond seem to be the most like the strawmen for some reason, which I feel is happening with the lazy garbage commies who go on hate campaigns against him (the serious ones ignore him actually). And I supposed that almost certainly what happens with me and ancap-types, but I don't really have evidence to support that like I feel I have with Scott's situation.

We have a tendency to talk about new studies like they're objectively correct while ignoring the consensus. That's... not how science works. It's especially common when the conclusion is convenient to our biases, which in Scott's case really seems to mean "is interesting" more than any particular ideology. But like for Harris types it's one thing to think pomo's influence on the sciences has issues, it's another to think that while also using the same philosophical tools to critique sciences that aren't achieving concordance. Like you're going too meta there and throwing the baby out with the bathwater instead of really doing the work to get out the good data in your own framework. It's probably my own biases in assessing my writing but I don't feel like I'm as guilty of this as I used to be, with my being worst at it ironically around the time I started reading rationalist-adjacent stuff; maybe it's because I came into this with a strong allergy to that kind of pattern from my own experiences in the atheism wars and alt-medicine.

Scott mostly just ignores trolls (and ineffectual critics) which is really good behavior, but Sam Harris types also have this tendency to mistake "trying to talk in a neuter tone" with "talking in a neuter tone" (and with Scott he doesn't seem to take a lot of blogging very formally to begin with, which, that's fine, it's incredibly fine, but it affects the synthesis of a wannabe neutral tone and laid back assumptions) and feel offense when someone else doesn't understand them or gets mind-killed early on. Instead of looking over their own work for their own weaknesses as a "neutral writer" they (we) instead have the unfortunate habit of talking about mind-killing like it's the other party's fault. Scott kind of gives off this vibe (I probably do too).

But this comes off as incredibly snide and condescending and is almost a pan-rationalist vice. Like I'd name names but this is already me being an ass as it is. Most of the people I follow do this to some degree, actually. And this might be a bad opinion, but, some topics are not neutral no matter how much you want them to be and your bias is gonna get the better of you if you don't mindfully wrestle with it. Maybe I over-anthropomorphize as well but ideas aren't to be trusted, because they want to take advantage of you so they get passed along; so do expect that they have ways of breaking into and fucking around with your cold, distant, neutral demeanor even if you think it's a game or at least you have no stake in the game.

To be honest - and maybe this is a terrible thing that negatively effects the strength of what I try to say - this is why I try to wear my biases on my sleeve. Because when I don't the impact tends to be heavier than I'm usually prepared to deal with. And when I see my thinking in plain english instead of trying to cover it up I generally feel like I'm handicapping myself when the discussion eventually devolves to tone. Because on there should be my own mistakes so I can avoid trying to be a hypocrite, instead of the shadows of my mistakes obscured even from me such that I defend myself as if I don't cast a shadow.

(Which - casting a shadow, as opposed to deity-like glowing radiance (and which I'm quick to point out radiant bodies also cast shadows, such that not even the gods are perfect even if it's not obvious) - is a metaphor I've used for imperfection and probably isn't an obvious metaphor, sorry if explaining this feels condescending)

There's also probably something to be said about ~revealed preferences~ but I don't really like that piece at all. It seems true to me that people that like certain models of the mind tend to think that way themselves, though, but in general I think the revealed preferences assumes people are more rational than they really are and that people's actions don't really correlate to their inner worlds. There might be *something* to the argument that if you give off the impression of being a reactionary (or tankie, or psycho, or narcissist, or pedo-lover or gay-hater or brown-people-genocider or [positive and neutral things I can't juxtapose against the previous because it would imply they're a natural set] or whatever) through the actions you take such as who you fight or policies you support or mistakes you're willing to make, it might be because you have reactionary (etc) pattern-matching biases in your writings creeping in from your own world, but like if inner worlds really correlated with actions I'd be dead so it'd probably come across as incredibly hypocritical to try to point out that it seems like model held to be true has negative implications and bullets you're willing to bite about yourself. Don't even know if Scott buys into that piece anyways, maybe barking up a wrong tree.

At least this shit is why places like r/badphilosophy have anti-Harris memes. Their applicability to rationalists and para-rationalists and really anyone is probably more of a subjective impressionistic thing than an absolute fact. Harris fans like to say he's taken out of context, for example. My own experiences with the guy are like he's like Marx - taken out of context, but the context gets taken out of context because he's kinda low key a pompous windbag and actually at the next level of context above the context looks like the smallest layer of context again. Like Marx's opiate of the masses quote.

-

Like I said I don't (habitually) read ssc tho. I'm particularly quick to confuse disagreement with moral failing probably, half this shit's probably not even characteristic of his writing and is just an incorrect set of impressions I've gotten over years of only reading his weakest pieces or second-and-triple hand exposure to him. I really like the anonymized-esque quasi-professional advice he's given on things like depression and he's had a number of jokes I've laughed at or points about non-psychiatric topics I've thought were well articulated. I don't have anything against him and he's a worker who does something I could never do with less free time than I could manage with blogging mostly casually in that free time, so like having lofty expectations that he caters to my preferred writing styles is dickish anyways.

I just tried reading stuff of his again yesterday while running errands because a reactionary-feeling blog was shitting on him, was put off by something I couldn't actually put my finger on while wanting to like him, and tried to describe nebulous gut feelings 12 hours later in a moment of lucidity while being woken up from medication side effects augmented by stupidly poorly managed time on my part, so take me with a boulder of salt

EDIT I also wanted to add a point about how people have this habit of talking about things like everyone else assumes the same points. I'm particularly atrocious at this and basically it can come off as really snide and patronizing if you don't and feels like going A > C because A > B without establishing or referencing why B > C but I forgot to add the point. Rationalist jargon is basically all about shorthanding A > C and Harris is particularly atrocious about it as well, and between it and the other Harris-y stuff is why everyone hates rationalists

[hawthornewhisperer]

Vaguely Bored Thoughts on 405

So...weirdly, not much happened this week?  And what did happen, I was mixed on.  Let’s get to it, kiddos.

Clarke having kittens about Bellamy’s whereabouts is always going to be my favorite part of any episode, so at least we started strong.  Niylah is always a lovely presence as well, and then we bring in my favorite Murderous Elf Prince with Octavia and get doctor!Clarke combined with in charge!Clarke so yeah, this all was A+.

Also A+: Clarke’s panicked face and Bellamy’s gulp when he’s revealed as Roan’s hostage.  Like fifteen different things passed between them in about 2 seconds so nice work with the facing acting there, Bob and Eliza.  You did good.

Science Island: Science continues to be whatever we want it to be, and god, Raven is breaking my heart.  Her brain is going to save them and it might kill her but she’ll do it anyway, because she is the hero we deserve.  I am also concerned about Abby’s brain, but we got so much lovely Raven/Abby interaction that I’m just gonna choose not to worry about it for now.

Also: “I’ll drive, you cook!”  Who wants a Breaking Bad AU with Abby as Walter White and Raven Reyes as Jesse Pinkman?  NOT ME.  I bet they’d be great at cooking meth, though.

So I am definitely not the only one to mention this (@nataliecrown already did, I know, and she articulated how I felt about this reveal so well that me saying it here again feels redundant) but Bellamy figuring out Octavia was alive felt like such a waste of where 404 ended.  It makes his grief at the end of 404 feel retroactively manipulative, and like a cheap way of resolving the tension between the two of them without actually addressing the reasons for the tension.  However, I do really appreciate that this episode focused on how fucking smart Bellamy is--  he was the one thinking several steps ahead, putting together a plan, and then executing it.  And no one died!  That’s new and different for him, and that makes me glad.

Now let’s talk about the Echo of it all.  In addition to undercutting the impact of his grief, Bellamy figuring out the O reveal so quickly felt more like a way to get him back on track with grudgingly trusting Echo than anything else.  And I am here for “Bellamy grudgingly trusting Echo” if for no other reason than she brings out his sasspants, and I fucking love Sassafrass Bellamy.  But for me, it took an important character beat for Bellamy-- realizing his sister is dead and then figuring out she’s alive-- and made it about Echo instead.  And that I don’t love.  (The trashbarge part of me that early on during 404 had imagined a canonverse ficlet where Bellamy/Echo/Roan spar and then end up doing sex stuff to each other, however, was very relieved that he no longer thinks she killed his sister and thus I can safely write that ficlet this week.  I have a brand to maintain, guys.)

The speech to Riley also felt very clumsy, mostly because it felt like the show going HEY THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN’T FORGIVEN BELLAMY FOR THE MASSACRE IN 3A: HE HAS OFFICIALLY LEARNED HIS LESSON AND BECOME A BETTER PERSON CAN WE ALL MOVE ON NOW.  Bob sold it, because he’s a goddamn professional, but I am mostly annoyed that we still need to address that than anything else.  It detracted from the tension of the episode, and also was distractingly “Riley is a cut and paste version of White Bellamy because White Bellamy got a new job.”

Clarke and Roan continue to be my favorite long-lost siblings, though.  He is constantly sick of her shit and she is constantly begging him to cover for her anyway and then he does because one time she took the fall for him missing curfew and he’s a good older brother and feels like he owes her.  But he’s not gonna be happy about it and he’s probably going to blackmail her for it in the future because siblings.  I do feel like their bargain should have been given a little more breathing time before it immediately went up in (literal) flames, but I did enjoy their conversation while it lasted.

Next up: Murderous Elf Prince and the problem of Octavia.  I totally get why they blew up the Ark-- narratively, it was the easy(ish) solution and this show likes taking those away just when we’ve gotten used to them.  I am a little confused as to how the Ark was like, completely empty while he was wandering around and while Octavia and Niylah were chasing him but then it blows up and there’s people everywhere, but whatever, it made those scenes a little spookier if the Ark was empty so #atmosphere, I get it.  I also like that we know why Ilian wants revenge, and it’s a motivation that makes sense in universe and it dovetails neatly with the conclusion of Octavia’s “vengeance is not justice” arc.

However, the way it dovetails with the conclusion of Octavia’s arc is exactly my problem, because...when did she learn that vengeance is not the way, exactly?  She killed Pike for revenge, and then some people in Polis because she found she kind of liked killing, and then Beard Dad yelled at her for it and then...that’s all it took?  Like, I am all in favor of Beard Dad getting through to his Murder Children without a catastrophe needing to be involved to teach them a lesson, but the sense I got when Octavia flounced out of the principal’s office was that she hadn’t learned her lesson.  Maybe almost dying was her way of learning it, but it didn’t feel like that narratively, and something this show really, really struggles with is “pretty white girls actually learning they did something wrong.”  The narrative beats they tend to turn to are “men of color are punished very obviously--and often physically-- by the narrative, whereas the white girl gets to learn her lesson intellectually or sometimes just by changing her mind.”  I don’t think the fix for this is “beat Octavia up while the camera lingers horrifically on her wounds” and I’m not sure I quite know how to fix it (and I don’t know if the show even realizes this is a problem they have), but I do know it’s not my favorite.

Which brings us to Murderous Elf Prince and his decision to blow up Arkadia.  I think there’s an interesting echo of season one Bellamy and the radio here, in that clearly, Murderous Elf Prince knows blowing up Arkadia will be bad but he doesn’t know the exact consequences of his actions.  Bellamy knew that trashing Raven’s radio would put people on the Ark at risk, but he didn’t know three hundred people were going to die in the next twelve hours without it.  Similarly, Ilian knows that blowing up Arkadia means hurting a lot of people in his quest for vengeance, but he doesn’t know he’s destroying the back up plan for the survival of the whole human race.  It makes me wonder if they’re bringing him in to prop up Bellamy’s evolution as a character, since he’s kind of New Bellamy: Same As The Old Bellamy here.  I also wish his story this episode wasn’t “man of color is yelled at by white woman for doing the wrong thing,” especially in light of Octavia’s “redemption” and how it was carried out, but I will say that Ilian as a character interests me and I’m willing to see where this goes.  (I am also a sucker for “I am a in a dark place but I won’t let innocents die” type characters, so him rescuing Niylah and Octavia was a check in the positive column for me.)

And then Arkadia goes boom.  First of all, I was struck by how fucking pretty both Bellamy and Clarke are when they are lit by the flames of their doom and I look forward to the inevitable Hades/Persephone themed gifsets we’re going to get from this episode.  I also appreciated Clarke just like, constantly pawing at Bellamy because she is a very touch-based person when it comes to those she loves so way to stay on-brand, Clarke.  The Blake sibling reunion was beautiful and touching, although once again I want to register my annoyance that Octavia didn’t learn anything and she certainly didn’t atone for what she did to Bellamy in s3, so it felt like Bellamy learned she was dead just so they could get over that particular narrative hurdle and nothing more.  But god, the way Bellamy carried her and held her as she cried was beautiful and wonderfully shot and I will never be over Clarke standing by the two of them, wracked by grief and disbelief as they watch their best hope burn to the ground.  It was a powerful end to a middling episode, and I hope 406 continues in that vein.

Next week: We learn that in addition to being a LOTR fanboy, Roan’s got a thing for Imperator Furiosa.  (Don’t we all, Roan.  Don’t. We. All.) 

[downinfront]

“Godzilla: King of the Monsters”: Just go with it, people

The new Godzilla should come with a disclaimer at the beginning asking you to turn off your brain along with your cell phone, and I mean that as a compliment. But also kind of as an insult. But mainly a compliment. Unless it's an insult. Which makes me think that it's more of a compliment.

Look, point is, when the big guy himself is onscreen, brawling against or alongside the scores of hairy, scaly, winged creatures that have risen to ravage our worthless asses, Godzilla: King of the Monsters is frankly spectacular summer entertainment on par with anything the final battle of Avengers: Endgame cooks up. But when the film turns its gaze towards the hapless humans scurrying around in the lizard king's wake, it turns into a different kind of stupid, where paper-thin characters shift motivations seemingly at random, profanely talented actors stare ponderously into the middle distance (better to do the math on the zeroes in the paychecks) and a crew of military jocks/science dorks sprout impenetrable jargon that serves as exposition. Ultimately, whether this movie is worth your while will depend on where you land with respect to that dichotomy: Is numbingly silly human drama worth sitting through to get to the endorphin high of a monster rumble?

In fairness, this movie has not been remotely shy about what it's selling us. Gareth Edwards' 2014 Godzilla, which this movie serves as a sequel to, teased the monster as a malevolent natural force and pump-faked him into a surly protector of humanity, albeit one with a conspicuous disregard for collateral damage. This one, from jump, has been marketed as a four-way showdown featuring Godzilla and three of his most notorious frenemies: The glowing insect Mothra, fiery pteranodon Rodan, and three-headed dragon, King Ghidorah. It shares a central thesis with its predecessor — long story short, humans are wasteful, horrible creatures who've ruined the planet, and we deserve what's coming to us — but to its credit, has no patience for the ponderousness with which Edwards approached the subject. Instead, it settles for a blunt-force, here's-what-I'm-doing-and-why speech by a scientist (Vera Farmiga) who seeks to use the monsters to restart the earth alongside someone the script has seen fit to designate as an "eco-terrorist" (a harrumphing, underused Charles Dance). What earned him that reputation is left mostly to the imagination; he is quiet, British, speaks in monosyllables and shoots a lot of extras, ergo, he is bad.

Along for the ride is Farmiga's daughter, Eleven — err, Madison (Millie Bobbie Brown from Stranger Things), who has been drawn into her mother's plan as ... a co-conspirator, I think? She seems oddly willing to go along with the extinction of humanity in principle, though her mom's execution of the plan leaves a lot to be desired. On the other end of the spectrum is her father (Kyle Chandler), another scientist of sorts who is trying to repair his own relationship with Madison -- her brother was lost in the events of the previous film, as established in a prologue that recalls Batman v Superman, of all things -- while also reconciling his own feelings about ... Godzilla? I think?

Yes, it's all very silly. And the director, Michael Dougherty, is visibly lacking the personal touches he brought to his last feature, the nasty, nihilistic horror-comedy Krampus from 2015. (Worth a watch, by the way.) But to his credit, he also seems to realize that this is not the reason for whence you have come. And when it comes time to get to the smashy-smashy stuff, he excels. His King of the Monsters may have ditched Edwards' sense of seriousness, but it wisely retains that filmmaker's eye for sheer, awe-inspiring scale. He knows how to use it a little better, I think, lingering less on the shots emphasizing the monsters' enormity and using them more as beats in the kind of viciously streamlined action sequences Edwards never felt the need to attempt. (The scene where the military tries to bait Rodan away from the Mexican village he's nesting above is so thrilling it took me out of the movie for a bit.)

It's to Dougherty's credit the effect isn't diluted despite the movie's dumbing down: Even if some of the best shots have been spoiled in the trailers, there's still something primally majestic about the sight of these monsters among us and the merciless destruction they wreak in a battle that is revealed to be, quite literally, older than time and beyond the scope of our world. It makes you wish both movies had done away with the speechifying entirely; the imagery in them is, frankly, enough to speak for themselves, and the people speaking are blindingly puny in comparison anyway. (That's is no reflection on the actors, a talented bunch that brings back Ken Watanabe, Sally Hawkins and David Strathairn from the first movie and expands to include Ziyi Zhang, O'Shea Jackson, Jr., Bradley Whitford, Aisha Hinds and Thomas Middleditch. They all seem pretty happy to be in a Godzilla movie. Good for them.)

Like all good bad movies, King of the Monsters does contain one single germ of a good idea: That all these other monsters are the only thing stopping Godzilla from turning his attention to us, the reason he has to come back in the first place. Edwards reimagined Godzilla as a burly, glowering sort, but his movie didn't go far enough to establish any kind of relationship with the humans at his feet. Dougherty, again to his credit, at least tries to create a dynamic: This beefy, lumbering Godzilla has the air of a blue-collar dad who comes home to find his spoiled kids have trashed the joint and wearily resigns himself to setting things right. He lumbers from mess to mess, spewing fire and moving on to the next one before things get really out of hand. (As if to drive the point home, at one point in King of the Monsters, he actually takes a nap.) Unspoken in all of this is whether we as a species are worth this aggravation, save for a throwaway line at the end, and you wish the script, by Dougherty, Zach Shields and Max Borenstien, had made a little more room for the kind of existential query that would give this movie some urgency, especially in an age where climate change has become an existential question.

Alas, no time for that. There's cities to smash, some queasily so (Boston is completely disintegrated in a nuclear holocaust — go Yankees?), people to eat, overqualified actors to kill off and a hairy fellow glimpsed only in shadow on the periphery, patiently awaiting his own throwdown next year. (Stay through the very entertaining, creative credit sequence for some setup on that front.) Again, this isn't necessarily an insult. Godzilla may have begun as a metaphor for Hiroshima, but it's worth noting that his legacy is probably more in line with the cheesy, B-movie, man-in-suit movies that followed suit, so the movie isn't quite as out of line as you might think by choosing destruction over allegory. Nonetheless, even the most forgiving of viewers might be tested with its final sequence, a bombastic, ridiculous scene that is probably the dumbest thing ever put to film — unless it's your thing, in which case it's the coolest thing you've ever seen. (Full disclosure: It’s totally my thing.) It's to King of the Monsters' credit that it plants its flag, then and there, as to what kind of movie it's trying to be, and if I do say so myself, it's to your credit if you go along with it: You're allowed to like a dumb movie. But there's nothing wrong with quietly wishing that it was a little smarter, too.

[nancygduarteus]

The Coming Obsolescence of Animal Meat

SAN FRANCISCO—The thought I had when the $100 chicken nugget hit my expectant tongue was the one cartoon villains have when they entrap a foreign critter and roast him over a spit: It tastes like chicken.

That’s because it was chicken—albeit chicken that had never laid an egg, sprouted a feather, or been swept through an electrified-water bath for slaughter. This chicken began life as a primordial mush in a bioreactor whose dimensions and brand I’m not allowed to describe to you, for intellectual-property reasons. Before that, it was a collection of cells swirling calmly in a red-hued, nutrient-rich “media,” with a glass flask for an eggshell. The chicken is definitely real, and technically animal flesh, but it left the world as it entered it—a mass of meat, ready for human consumption, with no brain or wings or feet.

This meat was what most of the world calls “lab grown,” but what Just, the company that makes the nugget, and other Silicon Valley start-ups want me to call “cultured meat” or “cell-based” meat, or better yet, “clean meat.” The argument is that almost all the food we eat, at some point, crosses a laboratory, whether in the course of researching flavors or perfecting packaging. So it is not fair to single out this particular product as being associated with freaky science. (Yes, I raised the point that all meat is technically cell-based, too, and no, this did not persuade anyone at the start-ups.)

“Every big brewery has a little room in the back which is clean, and has people in white lab coats, and they’re not ‘lab-grown’ beer,” argues Michael Selden, the co-founder of a cell-based-fish start-up, Finless Foods. “But we’re for some reason lab-grown fish, even though it really is the exact same thing.”

Regardless of what you call it, Just and others say it’s coming. Just, which was called Hampton Creek until last year, started out making vegan “eggs” and mayonnaise, then revealed in 2017 that it had also been working on cultured meat. The nugget was served to me to demonstrate that Just isn’t vaporware, in Silicon Valley parlance, or in this case, vapor-poultry. There’s a there there, and it’s edible.

Just has been mired in turmoil in recent years, as board members resigned and former employees complained of shoddy science. (CEO Josh Tetrick calls the claims “blatantly wrong.”) Because of what the company said are regulatory hurdles, Just missed its goal of making a commercial sale of the chicken nuggets by the end of 2018. The Atlantic ran a somewhat unflattering profile of  Tetrick in 2017, implying that the company is more style than substance.

Tetrick seemed eager to prove this magazine wrong. He told me he tries not to get too down about bad press. A couple of years ago, “we were pretty much just selling mayonnaise,” he said. But now the plant-based Just Egg, which was practically a prototype when the Atlantic article came out, is in grocery stores, and as of this week, you can order it at Bareburger and the mid-Atlantic chain Silver Diner.

Cultured chicken is, too, now on the horizon—that is, if people are willing to eat it. And if Just can ever make enough of it to feed them.

Tetrick is hawklike and southern, which, when combined with his conservational tendencies, lends him young–Al Gore energy. He’s nostalgic for chicken wings even though he’s vegan and does not eat them. When I visited Just a few weeks ago, he showed me a photo of wads of meat and fat in a bowl. They are chunks of Japanese beef that the company hopes to grow into a cultured version by scraping off samples within 24 hours of the animal’s demise. This product wasn’t ready for me to taste yet, but it’s important, in Tetrick’s view, to be a little bit aspirational. “If my team cannot see where we want to go, they’re never gonna go there,” he said.

“There” is a world in which cultured meat is inexpensive and everyone eats it, even if those same people have never heard of tempeh. Living, breathing, belching livestock is responsible for 15 percent of global greenhouse-gas emissions, about on par with cars. But Tetrick thinks that for many Americans, flavor and price rule the shopping cart, not environmentalism.

“I was born in Birmingham, Alabama, so imagine one of my friends who doesn’t care about any of the shit that I’m doing now,” he said, while perched on a bar stool in front of Just’s test kitchen. This hypothetical friend goes to a Piggly Wiggly to buy burgers. Except—oh wait!—next to the animal-based patties wrapped in clear plastic, he sees a Just burger patty for less money. “That, to me, is what it’s gonna take in order to break the dam of a habit,” Tetrick said.

Animal meat is a habit that many young Americans are ready to abandon. A quarter of 25-to-34-year-old Americans now say they are vegans or vegetarians, prompting The Economist to proclaim 2019 “the year of the vegan.” Burger King this month introduced a Whopper made with a plant-based Impossible patty. True, chicken grown in a bioreactor like Just’s is still animal, not vegetable; but without the factory-farming component, some vegetarians and vegans might be inclined to love their chickens and eat them too.

I am the ideal customer for this, because I enjoy meat-like flavors but don’t appreciate the more carnal elements of meat. I’m sure the Wrangler-clad Texan Council will revoke my Texanship for saying this, but I have never had a rare steak. I’ve never eaten something and thought, I wish this would make more of a murdery mess on my plate. And yet, I have no interest in passing up barbecue or Tex-Mex when I visit home or in telling my first-generation immigrant parents that I no longer eat meat. I would like a protein-rich substance that reminds me of my childhood and injects a robust, savory essence into my salad. I do not, however, care if that substance was ever technically alive.

Because frankly, life for many mass-bred animals is no life at all. In her book Big Chicken, Maryn McKenna describes seeing 30,000 birds crammed into a hot shed, some with bellies rubbed raw and legs twisted underneath them. Or, behold this description of the chicken-slaughtering process in a 2017 New Yorker story about Case Farms in Canton, Ohio:

At the plant, the birds are dumped into a chute that leads to the “live hang” area, a room bathed in black light, which keeps the birds calm. Every two seconds, employees grab a chicken and hang it upside down by its feet. “This piece here is called a breast rub,” Chester Hawk, the plant’s burly maintenance manager, told me, pointing to a plastic pad. “It’s rubbing their breast, and it’s giving them a calming sensation. You can see the bird coming toward the stunner. He’s very calm.” The birds are stunned by an electric pulse before entering the “kill room,” where a razor slits their throats as they pass. The room looks like the set of a horror movie: blood splatters everywhere and pools on the floor. One worker, known as the “backup killer,” stands in the middle, poking chickens with his knife and slicing their necks if they’re still alive.

(In response to the New Yorker story, Case Farms issued a statement that read, in part, “Our employees and growers share a committed responsibility to ensure the well-being and humane handling of all animals in our care.”)

Just’s process, meanwhile, is much more clinical. The company takes live cells from biopsies that don’t require the death of the chicken. It then isolates the cells that are most likely to grow, and gently nurtures them in tank-like bioreactors in a soup of proteins, sugar, and vitamins.

Across the bay from Just, in Emeryville, California, Finless Foods is attempting to perform this same procedure on fish. It’s not as far along as Just: Finless Foods has only 11 employees, to Just’s 120. Its office looks even less like a traditional workplace, with mismatched desks that early employees picked up from a used-furniture store. Its largest bioreactor only holds a liter of fish meat, while Just expects that in the “near term,” it will be able to produce hundreds to thousands of liters of meat.

Finless Foods’ Michael Selden rattled off an assortment of environmental and social injustices that motivate the need for cultured meat, from microplastics in our oceans, to greenhouse gases from shipping, to what he calls “environmental imperialism”: “The way that we get our food is very much just sort of like, we take what we want,” he told me. “If you live in San Francisco and you eat bluefin tuna, that bluefin tuna almost definitely comes from the Philippines. And we basically have fishing fleets in the Philippines that are, like, destroying local ecosystems to feed us.”

Whether Americans are sufficiently distraught over the state of Filipino ecosystems to replace a dinnertime staple remains to be seen. But for now, these companies have bigger challenges to getting to market.

For Finless Foods, a major hurdle is texture. It aims to make cultured bluefin tuna, which in animal form glistens like raspberry jam and springs back like a wet sponge. “I will not say we’ve fully solved that problem, because I’d be totally lying,” Selden said. The few journalists who have tasted the product were served a carp croquette that one reporter described as having “a pleasant aftertaste of the sea, though not fish as such.” Selden is looking into 3-D printing as a potential path to creating a sashimi-like simulacrum.

Similarly, when I asked Tetrick when his nuggets would actually be on sale, he glanced at Andrew Noyes, Just’s PR guy. “I know Andrew loves when I give timelines,” he said coyly. “I drive him crazy. It’s more likely than not … between now and the end of the year that we’re selling outside of the United States.”

Before that happens, the bioreactors needs to get larger, and there have to be many, many more of them, without sacrificing quality. Tetrick estimated that there would need to be 25 to 100 culturing facilities just to fulfill America’s demand for meat. These companies are also searching for a way to reduce the cost of the “media”—the vitamin slush the cells incubate in—potentially by reusing it.

Finally, the Just employees told me, they need the U.S. government to figure out a way to regulate the product, so people can rest assured that it’s not going to make them ill.

Al Almanza, the former acting deputy undersecretary for food safety at the U.S. Department of Agriculture, agrees that there aren’t enough data yet for food inspectors to know what’s normal or abnormal—and thus potentially unsafe—in a cultured-chicken plant. But he also says that regulators would probably expedite approval for Just if the company reached a scale at which it could sell its cultured meat, which it hasn’t yet. (The USDA did not return a request for comment.) And while Just argues that its process is better, from a food-safety standpoint, than animal slaughter, we only have the company’s word to go on at this point.

“Unless you have a perfectly sterile facility, with a cleanroom, and the bioreactors are being operated by robots, you’re at risk of some kind of contamination,” says Ben Wurgaft, a writer and historian who’s writing a book about laboratory-grown meat.

The U.S. Cattlemen’s Association has argued that only beef that’s been raised and slaughtered should be labeled “beef.” Just fervently hopes that when labeling rules do come down, it will be allowed to call its product “meat,” rather than “lab-grown meat,” for the good of public relations, if not fairness. “Back in Alabama, where all my old friends drive pickup trucks, imagine if Tesla put out a really fast, really affordable pickup truck, but Tesla couldn’t call it a pickup truck,” Tetrick said. “On the back, they had to say, like, ‘Electric mobility transport wheeler,’ or some godforsaken name. My friends do not want to drive that, because it fucks with their identity, unfortunately.”

On my visit to Just’s office, I asked Josh Hyman, the company’s chief of staff for research and development, whether the concept of cultured meat ever weirds anyone out.

“Yeah! I think it does,” he said as he prepared to fry up my $100 nugget from its frozen state. “Till you explain it.”

This is what Tetrick calls the “cultural component,” or letting “the consumer know this is a positive thing and they should eat it for dinner.”

As I chewed my nugget, I realized that though its taste asymptotically approached chicken, it was not, alas, chicken. It was crunchy, thanks to the fried, breaded coating; it was flavorful, thanks to the salt and spices inside; and its innards were creamy, which frankly is an improvement on the graininess of most processed nuggets. But it lacked the gamey animal kick that screams “chicken.”

We like meat to taste a certain way, but I realized that if I had never before had chicken, I might prefer this. ​Why is gaminess a virtue, anyway? Some people relish traditions such as hunting and fishing and the more visceral experiences with meat they provide. But if Just and similar companies are successful, future generations might only know chicken to be a pleasant, meat-esque paste, with no bones and skins to speak of. In fact, our entire notion of animal products might become unhinged from animals. The idea that human gustatory pleasure necessarily involves the inhumane farming of other creatures might come to be seen as outdated and gauche. A “real” chicken sandwich might be viewed, in some quarters, as barbarous as poaching. That is, if the bioreactor thing gets worked out.

Several Just employees have culinary backgrounds, and Hyman presided in front of the tasting table like a proud chef. There was heating up and cooling down of a pot of oil to reach the perfect temperature for my nugget. Noyes, who lived in D.C. before moving out West, shifted warily and remarked a few times that we were running “behind schedule.”

After serving me the nugget, Hyman scrambled up a custard-colored mung-bean egg substitute—the Just Egg, which comes in a squeeze bottle. It was fine; I don’t love scrambled eggs. Then he fed me a dairy-free rum-raisin ice cream that was one of the best desserts I’ve ever had.

Finally, he served up a breakfast sandwich made with a firm, plant-based “egg” patty. The patty had a pleasing earthiness, offset perfectly by a glop of spicy, stringy pimento cheese. Even at 3 p.m., after a full lunch, it was objectively tasty. If I had been hungover, it would have been heaven.

“Is this real cheese?” I asked.

“No,” Hyman said.

“What is it?” I asked.

He smiled. “We’re not allowed to say.”

from Health News And Updates https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2019/04/just-finless-foods-lab-grown-meat/587227/?utm_source=feed

[ionecoffman]

The Coming Obsolescence of Animal Meat

SAN FRANCISCO—The thought I had when the $100 chicken nugget hit my expectant tongue was the one cartoon villains have when they entrap a foreign critter and roast him over a spit: It tastes like chicken.

That’s because it was chicken—albeit chicken that had never laid an egg, sprouted a feather, or been swept through an electrified-water bath for slaughter. This chicken began life as a primordial mush in a bioreactor whose dimensions and brand I’m not allowed to describe to you, for intellectual-property reasons. Before that, it was a collection of cells swirling calmly in a red-hued, nutrient-rich “media,” with a glass flask for an eggshell. The chicken is definitely real, and technically animal flesh, but it left the world as it entered it—a mass of meat, ready for human consumption, with no brain or wings or feet.

This meat was what most of the world calls “lab grown,” but what Just, the company that makes the nugget, and other Silicon Valley start-ups want me to call “cultured meat” or “cell-based” meat, or better yet, “clean meat.” The argument is that almost all the food we eat, at some point, crosses a laboratory, whether in the course of researching flavors or perfecting packaging. So it is not fair to single out this particular product as being associated with freaky science. (Yes, I raised the point that all meat is technically cell-based, too, and no, this did not persuade anyone at the start-ups.)

“Every big brewery has a little room in the back which is clean, and has people in white lab coats, and they’re not ‘lab-grown’ beer,” argues Michael Selden, the co-founder of a cell-based-fish start-up, Finless Foods. “But we’re for some reason lab-grown fish, even though it really is the exact same thing.”

Regardless of what you call it, Just and others say it’s coming. Just, which was called Hampton Creek until last year, started out making vegan “eggs” and mayonnaise, then revealed in 2017 that it had also been working on cultured meat. The nugget was served to me to demonstrate that Just isn’t vaporware, in Silicon Valley parlance, or in this case, vapor-poultry. There’s a there there, and it’s edible.

Just has been mired in turmoil in recent years, as board members resigned and former employees complained of shoddy science. (CEO Josh Tetrick calls the claims “blatantly wrong.”) Because of what the company said are regulatory hurdles, Just missed its goal of making a commercial sale of the chicken nuggets by the end of 2018. The Atlantic ran a somewhat unflattering profile of  Tetrick in 2017, implying that the company is more style than substance.

Tetrick seemed eager to prove this magazine wrong. He told me he tries not to get too down about bad press. A couple of years ago, “we were pretty much just selling mayonnaise,” he said. But now the plant-based Just Egg, which was practically a prototype when the Atlantic article came out, is in grocery stores, and as of this week, you can order it at Bareburger and the mid-Atlantic chain Silver Diner.

Cultured chicken is, too, now on the horizon—that is, if people are willing to eat it. And if Just can ever make enough of it to feed them.

Tetrick is hawklike and southern, which, when combined with his conservational tendencies, lends him young–Al Gore energy. He’s nostalgic for chicken wings even though he’s vegan and does not eat them. When I visited Just a few weeks ago, he showed me a photo of wads of meat and fat in a bowl. They are chunks of Japanese beef that the company hopes to grow into a cultured version by scraping off samples within 24 hours of the animal’s demise. This product wasn’t ready for me to taste yet, but it’s important, in Tetrick’s view, to be a little bit aspirational. “If my team cannot see where we want to go, they’re never gonna go there,” he said.

“There” is a world in which cultured meat is inexpensive and everyone eats it, even if those same people have never heard of tempeh. Living, breathing, belching livestock is responsible for 15 percent of global greenhouse-gas emissions, about on par with cars. But Tetrick thinks that for many Americans, flavor and price rule the shopping cart, not environmentalism.

“I was born in Birmingham, Alabama, so imagine one of my friends who doesn’t care about any of the shit that I’m doing now,” he said, while perched on a bar stool in front of Just’s test kitchen. This hypothetical friend goes to a Piggly Wiggly to buy burgers. Except—oh wait!—next to the animal-based patties wrapped in clear plastic, he sees a Just burger patty for less money. “That, to me, is what it’s gonna take in order to break the dam of a habit,” Tetrick said.

Animal meat is a habit that many young Americans are ready to abandon. A quarter of 25-to-34-year-old Americans now say they are vegans or vegetarians, prompting The Economist to proclaim 2019 “the year of the vegan.” Burger King this month introduced a Whopper made with a plant-based Impossible patty. True, chicken grown in a bioreactor like Just’s is still animal, not vegetable; but without the factory-farming component, some vegetarians and vegans might be inclined to love their chickens and eat them too.

I am the ideal customer for this, because I enjoy meat-like flavors but don’t appreciate the more carnal elements of meat. I’m sure the Wrangler-clad Texan Council will revoke my Texanship for saying this, but I have never had a rare steak. I’ve never eaten something and thought, I wish this would make more of a murdery mess on my plate. And yet, I have no interest in passing up barbecue or Tex-Mex when I visit home or in telling my first-generation immigrant parents that I no longer eat meat. I would like a protein-rich substance that reminds me of my childhood and injects a robust, savory essence into my salad. I do not, however, care if that substance was ever technically alive.

Because frankly, life for many mass-bred animals is no life at all. In her book Big Chicken, Maryn McKenna describes seeing 30,000 birds crammed into a hot shed, some with bellies rubbed raw and legs twisted underneath them. Or, behold this description of the chicken-slaughtering process in a 2017 New Yorker story about Case Farms in Canton, Ohio:

At the plant, the birds are dumped into a chute that leads to the “live hang” area, a room bathed in black light, which keeps the birds calm. Every two seconds, employees grab a chicken and hang it upside down by its feet. “This piece here is called a breast rub,” Chester Hawk, the plant’s burly maintenance manager, told me, pointing to a plastic pad. “It’s rubbing their breast, and it’s giving them a calming sensation. You can see the bird coming toward the stunner. He’s very calm.” The birds are stunned by an electric pulse before entering the “kill room,” where a razor slits their throats as they pass. The room looks like the set of a horror movie: blood splatters everywhere and pools on the floor. One worker, known as the “backup killer,” stands in the middle, poking chickens with his knife and slicing their necks if they’re still alive.

(In response to the New Yorker story, Case Farms issued a statement that read, in part, “Our employees and growers share a committed responsibility to ensure the well-being and humane handling of all animals in our care.”)

Just’s process, meanwhile, is much more clinical. The company takes live cells from biopsies that don’t require the death of the chicken. It then isolates the cells that are most likely to grow, and gently nurtures them in tank-like bioreactors in a soup of proteins, sugar, and vitamins.

Across the bay from Just, in Emeryville, California, Finless Foods is attempting to perform this same procedure on fish. It’s not as far along as Just: Finless Foods has only 11 employees, to Just’s 120. Its office looks even less like a traditional workplace, with mismatched desks that early employees picked up from a used-furniture store. Its largest bioreactor only holds a liter of fish meat, while Just expects that in the “near term,” it will be able to produce hundreds to thousands of liters of meat.

Finless Foods’ Michael Selden rattled off an assortment of environmental and social injustices that motivate the need for cultured meat, from microplastics in our oceans, to greenhouse gases from shipping, to what he calls “environmental imperialism”: “The way that we get our food is very much just sort of like, we take what we want,” he told me. “If you live in San Francisco and you eat bluefin tuna, that bluefin tuna almost definitely comes from the Philippines. And we basically have fishing fleets in the Philippines that are, like, destroying local ecosystems to feed us.”

Whether Americans are sufficiently distraught over the state of Filipino ecosystems to replace a dinnertime staple remains to be seen. But for now, these companies have bigger challenges to getting to market.

For Finless Foods, a major hurdle is texture. It aims to make cultured bluefin tuna, which in animal form glistens like raspberry jam and springs back like a wet sponge. “I will not say we’ve fully solved that problem, because I’d be totally lying,” Selden said. The few journalists who have tasted the product were served a carp croquette that one reporter described as having “a pleasant aftertaste of the sea, though not fish as such.” Selden is looking into 3-D printing as a potential path to creating a sashimi-like simulacrum.

Similarly, when I asked Tetrick when his nuggets would actually be on sale, he glanced at Andrew Noyes, Just’s PR guy. “I know Andrew loves when I give timelines,” he said coyly. “I drive him crazy. It’s more likely than not … between now and the end of the year that we’re selling outside of the United States.”

Before that happens, the bioreactors needs to get larger, and there have to be many, many more of them, without sacrificing quality. Tetrick estimated that there would need to be 25 to 100 culturing facilities just to fulfill America’s demand for meat. These companies are also searching for a way to reduce the cost of the “media”—the vitamin slush the cells incubate in—potentially by reusing it.

Finally, the Just employees told me, they need the U.S. government to figure out a way to regulate the product, so people can rest assured that it’s not going to make them ill.

Al Almanza, the former acting deputy undersecretary for food safety at the U.S. Department of Agriculture, agrees that there aren’t enough data yet for food inspectors to know what’s normal or abnormal—and thus potentially unsafe—in a cultured-chicken plant. But he also says that regulators would probably expedite approval for Just if the company reached a scale at which it could sell its cultured meat, which it hasn’t yet. (The USDA did not return a request for comment.) And while Just argues that its process is better, from a food-safety standpoint, than animal slaughter, we only have the company’s word to go on at this point.

“Unless you have a perfectly sterile facility, with a cleanroom, and the bioreactors are being operated by robots, you’re at risk of some kind of contamination,” says Ben Wurgaft, a writer and historian who’s writing a book about laboratory-grown meat.

The U.S. Cattlemen’s Association has argued that only beef that’s been raised and slaughtered should be labeled “beef.” Just fervently hopes that when labeling rules do come down, it will be allowed to call its product “meat,” rather than “lab-grown meat,” for the good of public relations, if not fairness. “Back in Alabama, where all my old friends drive pickup trucks, imagine if Tesla put out a really fast, really affordable pickup truck, but Tesla couldn’t call it a pickup truck,” Tetrick said. “On the back, they had to say, like, ‘Electric mobility transport wheeler,’ or some godforsaken name. My friends do not want to drive that, because it fucks with their identity, unfortunately.”

On my visit to Just’s office, I asked Josh Hyman, the company’s chief of staff for research and development, whether the concept of cultured meat ever weirds anyone out.

“Yeah! I think it does,” he said as he prepared to fry up my $100 nugget from its frozen state. “Till you explain it.”

This is what Tetrick calls the “cultural component,” or letting “the consumer know this is a positive thing and they should eat it for dinner.”

As I chewed my nugget, I realized that though its taste asymptotically approached chicken, it was not, alas, chicken. It was crunchy, thanks to the fried, breaded coating; it was flavorful, thanks to the salt and spices inside; and its innards were creamy, which frankly is an improvement on the graininess of most processed nuggets. But it lacked the gamey animal kick that screams “chicken.”

We like meat to taste a certain way, but I realized that if I had never before had chicken, I might prefer this. ​Why is gaminess a virtue, anyway? Some people relish traditions such as hunting and fishing and the more visceral experiences with meat they provide. But if Just and similar companies are successful, future generations might only know chicken to be a pleasant, meat-esque paste, with no bones and skins to speak of. In fact, our entire notion of animal products might become unhinged from animals. The idea that human gustatory pleasure necessarily involves the inhumane farming of other creatures might come to be seen as outdated and gauche. A “real” chicken sandwich might be viewed, in some quarters, as barbarous as poaching. That is, if the bioreactor thing gets worked out.

Several Just employees have culinary backgrounds, and Hyman presided in front of the tasting table like a proud chef. There was heating up and cooling down of a pot of oil to reach the perfect temperature for my nugget. Noyes, who lived in D.C. before moving out West, shifted warily and remarked a few times that we were running “behind schedule.”

After serving me the nugget, Hyman scrambled up a custard-colored mung-bean egg substitute—the Just Egg, which comes in a squeeze bottle. It was fine; I don’t love scrambled eggs. Then he fed me a dairy-free rum-raisin ice cream that was one of the best desserts I’ve ever had.

Finally, he served up a breakfast sandwich made with a firm, plant-based “egg” patty. The patty had a pleasing earthiness, offset perfectly by a glop of spicy, stringy pimento cheese. Even at 3 p.m., after a full lunch, it was objectively tasty. If I had been hungover, it would have been heaven.

“Is this real cheese?” I asked.

“No,” Hyman said.

“What is it?” I asked.

He smiled. “We’re not allowed to say.”

Article source here:The Atlantic